My mom was right, I am no longer in control. And I will not be in control ever again in my life. LOL

I was supposed to go on a trip yesterday, but Cheruby and I decided that I was in no shape to go anywhere so I must sleep. So I did.

Then I was supposed to go today, but logistics being what they are, it is better for me to go tomorrow. So I wait another day.

All the while, the quickening has been going on and feeling oh, so very strange.

Back at the ranch, things are great. We had a heated discussion about whether boobs are inherently sexy. I think our difference comes down to "inherently" and "sexy" definitions being off more than anything else. In the end, we understood each other. I think it was the first heated discussion we've ever had where I didn't end up getting emotionally involved which was bizarre in itself.

Did I mention that one of my best friends has a fashion show in September? I'm so happy for her. She's giddy and I'm ecstatic for her. This is her dream and here it comes. I've always taken her my sewing projects because I knew I didn't have time and from her being so excited about sewing something cool, she has actually started getting more commissions. She's making her dreams come true and I got some cool clothes. I don't think I can afford her anymore though. ::wink::

Life is truly what you make of it. Don't wait for change to happen - make it happen. We are the most powerful force in our own lives.

Well how about that, I saw my daughter today for the first time. The technician was 80% sure that's what the baby is.

I was almost overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement before the ultrasound. I didn't know what to expect, but knew that this was the first opportunity for us to see that our baby was normal or not. Worried about the latter, but trusting it would be the former. I was a ball of emotions waiting to burst.

We started out with Cheruby making some jokes and making me laugh and jiggle. That screwed up the ultrasound picture every time, but the tech was awesome and just went with it. She was great. Cheruby said, "Hey, it's got my femur!" That made the tech chuckle as she hadn't heard that one before. Throughout the whole routine, he was making jokes and we were both fascinated with the screen and watching every image and movement.

It took Cheruby a while to realize that he was seeing the baby move quite a bit. I figured out only a little bit sooner only because I knew when I was moving and when the tech was moving, leaving the only other option for movement on the screen to be baby. What a wonderful experience.

We got to see her feet and her kidneys and her little nose and her little lips. The spine was always alienesque whenever she moved by it. H.R. Giger had definitely seen an ultrasound of an unborn child. Like every other ultrasound, we have a very cute alien.

I hear a little bit of high pitched alien squealing with this image.

As my mother-in-law said, "I love her already."

To start, I haven't had that much fun LARPing in a long time. I finished the last of the hand sewing on my under dress in the car. I didn't even get started on the outer layer, but that's a project for this month before the next game. I also figured that the dress was mostly done, but didn't really have any definition anywhere so I made a chainmaille belt that had a long dangly bit in the front as was the fashion in medieval times. I hope that I get to see the pictures The Whole Show took soon. I also managed to do my hair in the car.

While the theme of the game is faeries, the costuming was all over the place. I am definitely in the group that wants power. And as such, I went with traditional medieval style dress. There were a few others, but there were some that were definitely not. Like a real cutie in red underwear and a long mesh dress. And I'm not talking subtle mesh. What an ass! ::insert knuckle biting here:: I liked the amount of PVC and the Boots. The Boots were definitely another drool factor.

All in all, I think the game went very well. Roleplaying in this particular system is so easy because you don't have to really break character to do a challenge. Unless you are a noob like me who had to read the rules through when doing a challenge with another rules noob. We still had a lot of fun. I failed at my original goal, but the intent of that goal (to gain more holdings) was met in another fashion. YAY! And now, I have another worthy goal. All in all, it's a ton of fun to make people think you are something you're not.

I have a lot more planning and thinking to do before the next game. It's very unfortunate for the storyteller that I really don't care about the dead character whose murder we are supposed to be trying to solve. I think my character is happier now that she's dead more than anyone, but no one else needs to know that. Of course, I don't think anyone should trust a "nice" sidhe.

The first thing I craved in this pregnancy was music. I typically listen to my bubblegum station, but it made me nauseated. I followed my instincts immediately because no one likes feeling nauseated, and flipped through the dial. Relief swept over me as I heard some Tea Party. I had found the city's "source for new rock, the best of the 90's, along with the biggest classic rock". Yep, those are the sounds of relief and relaxation for a pregnant me. Go figure.

Music is very personal subject for my Cheruby. He hates pop music and cherishes his classical (and most other styles). He cringes when I call everything classical, but I don't know any better. And maybe it's kind of fun for me to push that button of his. :D He is impressed when he can tell that the music takes some talent to produce. The musically uneducated masses don't really have that criterion. We listen and pick music we like because it's pleasant or makes us feel a certain way or annoys our parents.

I believe I've mentioned my emotional filter previously and music is no exception. Cheruby would really love it if I would learn to love his classical music, but we don't know where to start. Most of it is boring to me (elicits no emotional response), some of it is perfectly awful (my shoulders tense within seconds and give me a headache within a minute), and a rare piece is glorious (fills me with whirling emotions that I get to figure out and enjoy). I truly love being able to describe my emotions and create similes and metaphors about where the music has taken me. Unfortunately, my emotional response to music rarely coincides with the technical expertise it takes to create that music.

The best part about musical craving is that I know the part that music plays in our lives will just get bigger. Now, to find someone who will tune the whole piano and not just two octaves around middle C.

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

Yes, this is still me, the fabulous Suz. I just felt like a change to the look of my personal space on the interweb. I've been stagnant for a while, at least online, and the furniture is too heavy to move for me now.

Big weekend of Twilight Imperium. We have guests from Calgary and some from Saskatoon. It's going to be a great weekend!

The world is a full and amazing place.

Today, I confronted feelings of fear, sadness, and inadequacy about my knowledge of what I need to know to have a birth that I celebrate rather than survive. How did the confrontation go? I cried myself to sleep and waited for the hormonal imbalance to pass - for the WIN! It was a pretty decent afternoon nap.

I should also say that I asked friends for help and guidance, emailed knowledgeable experts for more information and had my husband relay to me his abstract expectation for labour and delivery. He thinks that he's going to be bored. ::grin:: I didn't bother to contradict him because how would I rightly know? I haven't done this before either.

I've also been sewing a costume and making plans to make some receiving blankets and roman blinds for the windows to help keep the cold out in the winter.

Business is going well, but I welcome any chance to talk about it that I can. I hate being pushy so it might take me a while to bring it up.

The furry kids are doing well.

We are 85% unpacked and 20% disorganized. Still can't find one of the leg bolts for one of our tables.

Cheruby and I finished quite a few of our co-op video games, watched the complete LOST series, and I finally have him watching Doctor Who. After that, we move onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer. YAY! Any suggestions for new series we should watch?

We took a family vacation on a houseboat for 7 days with my parents, brother and his kids. I hadn't slept for a couple nights before we left so the trip had a tremulous start, other than the constant rocking motion. We felt that rocking motion for a couple days after we got home and were laying down to sleep - quite surreal. I even have pictures and will show them to you!

Cheruby, unfortunately, lost his wedding band in Tobin Lake. He was swimming and the waves were kind of big cuz there was lots of wind. Apparently, the coolness of the lake shrunk his finger enough for the ring to just slip right off. He felt it fall. With the not great weather, which lasted pretty much all night, the lake bottom had to have claimed its prize. That didn't stop him from trying to find for many hours. It had never even threatened to fall off before so it was completely unexpected. A reward has been offered on Nipawin's Kijiji site. Anyone got a good metal detector?

The kids were taught many new games like poker, black jack, liar's dice, and Small World. You might have noticed some heavy Red Dead Redemption influence there. Cheruby was doing most of the teaching. We all lazed about and did crafts or word puzzles or sudoku. Cheruby fell asleep in the sunshine on the top deck, had his face stuck to the vinyl and kind of burnt it a little from that. It's peeling now. Heh. And speaking of peeling, my mom accidentally flashed Cheruby with the new boob that used to be back flesh. Mom and I can't giggle enough over this while Cheruby just doesn't really know what to think because he had no idea what he saw. Next year, we're getting a newer boat with a hot tub and a slide into the lake - WOOT!

Cheruby's mom came to visit us for a bit and that was awesome. She was headed out to Vancouver then and will be back in September. She's so delightful and loved. I was struck by the oddity that was one of her going away parties at Amigo's - Cheruby's ex and her parents were there. Not even weird anymore, just one of those things that reinforces how special Cheruby's mom is to lots of people.

I had a fabulous trip to Calgary where I stayed with a dear friend. I felt that it was a really good visit. The first relaxed good visit we'd had in a very long time. It was overdue. So many wonderful people that I miss in Calgary and didn't have time to see due to the sleep day I took. Driving and peopling can be quite tiring.

There was an in and out trip to Edmonton for my auntie Cool's birthday. She's very wonderful and Cheruby had yet to meet the majority of my mom's family (being the youngest of 12 kids, that's a pretty easy feat). So with a compromise on my part, he was wrangled into coming. I enjoyed seeing everyone although I was feeling wretchedly ill so I wasn't a great conversationalist and wish I could have visited more. We also got to witness a great display of talent on the part of neuba's little one and his aim at his daddy. LOL That was at the end of May and feels like yesterday.

I keep thinking that I have more time before the baby gets here, but it's flying by in leaps and bounds. With the house being mostly unpacked, I'll be taking more pictures for dear TUO who really shouldn't visit in the winter - summer months and good days only so that we can sit on the lovely covered patio with beer. Next year, I can have beer. I miss it some days. Please everyone, have a drink for me when you are especially enjoying what you are drinking!

And that really can't be all, and probably isn't. I hope to see more of you sooner rather than later. I really do enjoy having a quiet life in the sticks.

Oh and one more thing - Cheruby is being published!!! One of his short stories was accepted with some glowing praise for his style. The magazine is called Dark Recesses and is mostly online, but you can get printed copies from Amazon.