I am not religious anymore, but there are so many wonderful life lessons in all the scriptures.

The best part of my religious upbringing was that my parents gave us a choice in the matter. We were invited to go to Sunday school, but never forced. We were invited to go to Summer Bible Camp, but never forced. This was a wonderful gift from them, especially given their own upbringing.

Recently, I watched the movie "Prom" on Netflix. It is a teenage love story that faces obstacles with singing and sequins. There is bigotry and acceptance and narcissism and selflessness. It was a great movie to watch with my blossoming 10 year old. These are all things that she is facing in small doses in her school, our community, and in herself.

The movie directly addresses the exclusion of LGTBQ+ lifestyles with this conversation.

Trent: Why do you hate gay people?

Teenager 1: Hey! I'm a good person. Right, Shelby?

Teenager 2: Yeah! Yeah, we all are.

Teenager 3: We go to church.

Teenager 4: Yeah, we're Christians.

Determining the goodness of a person cannot be done with a label. And the musical number that followed made me so fucking happy. After a direct confrontation about cherry picking the rules from the bible that matter, Trent sings out that there is one rule that trumps them all.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR

This has become my favourite rule from the bible. It is the heart of acceptance and tolerance and love. Can you imagine if we interacted in the world from this idea? John Lennon said it his way in "Imagine." And hundreds, if not thousands, of artists and inspirational people throughout history have echoed this sentiment.

I could make some authoritative statement about how we all need to change our perspective and blah, blah, blah. But that's not what I want. I want to love myself as I love my most precious person. I want to love so that it touches every person in my life, every person who ever encounters me.

 New Year's Eve. A time of renewal and birth. Out with the old and in with the new.

I couldn't sleep. Not a new experience, but this experience was wholly new and profound. I couldn't sleep because I was so happy. But not really happy, there was contentment and a host of feelings all mixed together that were very pleasant. Every time I relaxed, I would start smiling from ear to ear. So genuine and real.

The most beautiful part was that this feeling persisted. It persisted through questioning it. It persisted through thinking of other, unpleasant parts of life. It felt like a light at the back of my heart. What had let go and allowed this light to shine so brightly? I had no idea. But I decided to enjoy it for as long as it wanted to stay with me.

It didn't leave. Days later, I found myself sitting at my desk, smiling that smile as I paused to look at the beautiful white world outside my window. It was so pervasive.

I nurtured it to feel it in more places than just my heart. I let it infuse every part of me.

I knew it wasn't going to leave, but I kept checking on it anyway.  I doubted I knew because it was what I wanted. I doubted that it wasn't just a manic episode because I'm pretty sure I've had those in the past and hadn't noticed. I doubted that it wasn't my rose-coloured glasses showing me a world that was much brighter than it actually was.

After some time with it, I came to understand it was wholeness. I felt whole, like I had nothing to hide. It is like feeling fully accepted. There are no beautiful parts, no ugly parts, just all of me. And yet, these words still seem inadequate to describe what I feel.

A truly magical part of this feeling is the confidence. It is subtle and powerful. I thought confidence felt different than this, but it is the absence of doubt being able to take root. Doubt still exists, but it is heard and passes through because the truth of who you are is strong enough to allow for all the possibilities of failure and success.

As with all good things, the awareness of it faded into life, into what my bodymind accepts as my normal. It's still there, part of me. I still nurture it and make it big and bright and effusive.

It's been a long time since I tried to dig into what makes me me. I went hardcore for about 5 years, but then I had two more children and sabotaged another friendship and got very burnt out. So, while I kept most (not all) the lessons I learned about who I am and my world.

Life of Choice? Here's my dilemma. Both sides are trying to control the other side and make them like us. Neither is truly tolerant of the others' viewpoint. I get outraged as the thought of someone telling me what to think. I do this on a good day, let alone, what happens when I'm already riled.

Doesn't social change mean that someone somewhere decides something is bad/good and that it needs to change. Then someone convinces (exerts their supposed control) over others and those others and those more until we have enough momentum for community, provincial, national, global change? The trouble is that not everyone will ever agree on what change is necessary. We all want everyone else to think like us (me) and are dumbfounded when someone else has a different idea about what's best for humanity.

Wars are waged because someone wants someone else to be like them.

I have been questioning why I shouldn't be open to racism. It seems ridiculous, I know. Isn't every viewpoint worth considering? What makes them wrong? Don't get me wrong, I want equality. But is there a point where I reject that racism is a valid idea when I become just as close-minded?

Edit: I had the opportunity to watch Jonathan Haidt on TEDTalks and he simplified my whole dilemma for me.

I associate certain things with certain people, like every extraordinary item with that theme belongs to that person. Take penguins, for example. Penguins belong to cenobyte. As do ducks, but other people are allowed to have ducks. And octopuses and rhinoceros also have owners for me. I can't help it. I think of these things all the time, but when trying to remember them outside of the object's influence, they are elusive. Snakes are a friend from high school who I still love dearly but have seen once in the past 15 years. Otters are R:tAG which doesn't really fit with that nickname, but they're still adorable. I love them, but they belong to him.

I've actually caught myself thinking, "You can't have that! It belongs to so-and-so," about a stranger picking up something in a store of that particular theme.

These associations may not actually be something that person really loves, but I have the association anyway. It's an odd way of categorizing people. I once made a mix tape of other people's favourite songs. It didn't matter to me if I liked the song, it was a reminder to me of them and how much I enjoy the person. Little Beggar Dude will always be Brock. The Headstones will always be Drang. I think the music list is bigger for me than the items I associate with people.

I still do this - surround myself with other people's things. It's like I can be near them whenever I want without having to bother them because it's 2 a.m. or I might get interrupted suddenly by Starbuck. It gives me time with the people I love a few moments in a day. Real life is better, but this will do in a pinch.

So there was this thing that happened. And I didn't really explain my actions because I thought I deserved the consequences being dealt. I do this. I think it's fair.

And now, I am realizing that I do this all the frakking time to the point where I think I deserve bad things because of those few bad things I did over my lifetime. That's not fair. This is one of those things where we say we want one thing, but our actions and thoughts actually get us the opposite - I want friends, but I move away from all my friends and don't call and don't write because I don't think they want to hear from me because I did a bad thing. I must punish myself for all these bad things I'm capable of doing - that everyone on the planet is capable of doing. I don't want to do them to people so I just shouldn't be around people anymore.

I'm hiding out in the countryside behind my baby girl. I'm hiding how dumb I feel when I have nothing interesting to say, hiding how I can't seem to let go of my rules of polite and respectful conduct until I can't stand them anymore and then hurt someone's feelings. I lash out to hide because I am flawed. Hiding so I can't hurt you.

I understand that every person on the planet has problems, we are all fucked up. And I'm saying it out loud because I need to accept that in myself before it is even remotely possible for peace. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to overreact ever, it just means that I'm going to try to see the choice I have.

Yes, I did those things. I miss you and I'm sorry for running away to hide.

Our immediate reactions to things do not define us. Those are behaviors of which every human on the planet is capable. Even though they seem to happen every g-d time we react at all, those behaviors are not our identity.

The choices we make with respect to those reactions are far more important. Do you squash them? Bend them to your will? Experience them fully? See them as f-d up and don't know what to do?

Prior to recently, my reactions were fueled by incomprehensible anger which was fueled by fear which was a fear of living fully. As I've said before, I am emotional. I took those emotional reactions, or over-reactions if you will, and if I didn't like them, created rules so I didn't have to feel that again. Slowly, my world had become rules upon rules upon more rules. It started somewhere, right? How does one undo all these rules to find oneself?

It does have to be explored - what is the consequence to not following the rules. For me, it was that I was unloveable. Ridiculous and unfathomable to my conscious mind, but deeply seeded in my subconscious. I have seen it every day in my life since finding this nugget of belief in my life. And I am more at peace because I can see it, but it does not rule me anymore. If I don't have a clean house, I am loveable is actually true to me now.

This is the world I'm walking in right now. And I've been kinder to myself in the past weeks than ever before in my life. I have to say that it is a remarkable thing to be truly gentle with oneself.

I feel like I'm waking up.

I've been asked a few times lately about how I'm enjoying my small town. It's been over a year now and the novelty should have worn off by now.

Well, I still think it's where I need to be, where we need to be. There is still a lot less stress in my life because of living in a small town. I need that. I need to be able to keep focused on the important things - my family. I promised Cheruby in my wedding vows that he and our children would always come first. I need to figure out how to do that with minimal distraction so I can do it when there is distraction. In most cases, distraction for me is promising all my time to doing things for others and taking out my frustration on my family because they'll forgive me (see also, depression). Starbuck is most of our world right now and that's how it should be. I still feel pangs of guilt for not being a better friend and making the effort to spend time with the people I care about, but mostly, I know that they're good with where I need to be right now. And if they aren't, it's not my fault (that's huge for me).

I believe it is a great place to start my family. People in the community know who we are and think Starbuck is adorable and will, essentially, look out for us more so than city communities of which I've been a part. I'm looking forward to being able to trust that letting my child play outside by herself won't endanger her life significantly. There's always a possibility, but chances are she will be just fine. I'm pleased that she will have to walk three whole blocks to school and the line up of cars outside the school for picking up kids won't be insane like I've seen in Calgary. I hope it'll be easier to keep her from learning grown up things too quickly, but I'm not set on that. It's just easier to hope for in a small town.

Cheruby and I are also growing as people. We are learning what it means to be part of a community. I love it. When you invest your time and energy and yes, a little money, into your community, you get back all those things and the knowledge that they will be there for you if you ever need ANYTHING. When we forget to take our garbage can to the alley, the garbage man comes to our deck to take it. When we need a truck to haul something, we have had several offers of, "You can use mine whenever you want." When the local art gallery was just getting ready to open, the proprietor tentatively asked for help painting. What she got was a first coat, a second coat, and extensive clean up of the building - probably 80 hours of free labour with a smile. Cheruby was asked to play at the local dance recital and accepted - his violin student played first and then he played a number. The grin on Cheruby's face when he returned was outstanding. Giving of oneself without expectation of reward is easier learned in a community, I think.

A small shout out to rural life for being cheaper than the city although it shouldn't be the major motivation for moving to a small town. There has to be more to it.

The price to be paid for community is that everyone has to know your business. If you have nothing intensely personal to hide, it's no big deal. Coming into a community with a solid marriage and a baby on the way was perfect - no demons hiding in the closets that can be brought to light at anyone in the community's choosing. I have to keep my feelings about new people I've met to myself. New and good skill for me to have learned.

Having said all that, I miss the city. I miss like-minded people. I miss not holding my tongue because someone's going to think I'm too different. I miss being able to go movies, swimming year round, concerts, plays, boardgames, and all kinds of other things, on short notice. Of course, all my time is spent with my beautiful Starbuck these days so I'm just missing the opportunity to do these things. I wouldn't be doing most of them if I lived in the city right now, anyway.

I don't miss having someone break into my house, trying to steal Cheruby's car, breaking the windows in his car, breaking into my garage and stealing our bikes, being threatened with a $10,000 fine for not having eaves troughs, and rush hour traffic.

I have a 22.5 minute drive to work and it's predictable and easy and gloriously quiet if I want it to be. I get to see sunrises and sunsets and stars and wildlife all the time unhampered by tall buildings and city lights. The people at the store and at the post office and at the bank and at the insurance place and the art gallery know who we are.

I saw a little boy on a riding lawn mower pulling a small trailer with two friends and some garbage to the dump on their own. I like that. I will never see that in the city.

In the end, it's all about us - especially her.

It is a time of year when reflection on the past is paramount. We get in touch with people that we maybe feel we've neglected, we find sentiment in the Christmas decorations box, and we are filled with hope for the future. At least, these are the good traits of Christmas. The memories can't all be good and the outlook for the future may seem bleak for some. It's all a part of life.

This year is particularly special because I have been blessed in the past year with the courage to make some big changes in my life. I am a happier person and this is no small part to the support of my wonderful husband, Cheruby, and my parents as always and all those people I would call friends. The wealth of wonderful people I have as part of my life cannot be compared to any amount of money. I have become richer this year with less money because I have been able to slow down and enjoy the fortune I have in the people I've met over the years. I don't think there's a way to show everyone (yes, including you) how much I appreciate every smile you have brought to my face just by being you.

The happiness to hear joy and peace in a friend's voice or see a picture where the glow of feeling good is unmistakable - those are the best gift in the world. Being allowed to be a friend and help make someone feel valued and special is a very close second, but it's a privilege that has to be accepted with respect and honour. Thank you for letting me be your friend.

I read a blog post today and it was beautiful. It was filled with hope and being completely embraced by moments in time. I'm glad he took the time to write it down and share with the rest of us. A small thank you to you. It reminded me of the small moment this morning when I first saw the blanket of white outside the window. I felt joy in spite of myself as my recent nights and days have not be great.

I shared that moment of happiness with my Cheruby later which eased his heart a little. I'm very glad I could give that to him before we are separated for five days.

Having moments of beauty happen all the time around us. Noticing and remembering those moments are keys to my happiness.

One year of marriage. I have become more in love with my husband than ever. And he has said the same to me. While we did not dress up like zombies, we did behave like geeks. Board games with friends, Cheruby's fantastic stew (potatoes, carrots, peas from his garden), and a little bit of BSG. It was a totally wonderful day even though we were both in very peculiar moods.

In the past year, we have started a business, got a dog, sold a house, become debt free, been without a home for a month, bought a house in a village, moved, decided to have a baby and become pregnant. I didn't realize until just now how busy we've been. It explains a lot about why I don't feel as connected to my friends as I did before, but I spend every day with my best friend.

And still, the wedding feels like yesterday. It was such a wonderful day! Even the part where I said, "WHAT?!?!" during the ceremony. I'm glad I could just laugh at how silly I was, being so focused on trying to remember my vows.

I think we've been celebrating our marriage every day. Maybe that's why we didn't need to make yesterday a special celebration. We take time to tell each other the important things and have learned things about each other and ourselves in the past year. We've been able to spend so much time, just the two of us, that it didn't need to be that way on our anniversary. I'm sure that will change in the years to come, but this year was the way it was and I'm very grateful for it.

My mom was right, I am no longer in control. And I will not be in control ever again in my life. LOL

I was supposed to go on a trip yesterday, but Cheruby and I decided that I was in no shape to go anywhere so I must sleep. So I did.

Then I was supposed to go today, but logistics being what they are, it is better for me to go tomorrow. So I wait another day.

All the while, the quickening has been going on and feeling oh, so very strange.

Back at the ranch, things are great. We had a heated discussion about whether boobs are inherently sexy. I think our difference comes down to "inherently" and "sexy" definitions being off more than anything else. In the end, we understood each other. I think it was the first heated discussion we've ever had where I didn't end up getting emotionally involved which was bizarre in itself.

Did I mention that one of my best friends has a fashion show in September? I'm so happy for her. She's giddy and I'm ecstatic for her. This is her dream and here it comes. I've always taken her my sewing projects because I knew I didn't have time and from her being so excited about sewing something cool, she has actually started getting more commissions. She's making her dreams come true and I got some cool clothes. I don't think I can afford her anymore though. ::wink::

Life is truly what you make of it. Don't wait for change to happen - make it happen. We are the most powerful force in our own lives.

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

The world is a full and amazing place.

Today, I confronted feelings of fear, sadness, and inadequacy about my knowledge of what I need to know to have a birth that I celebrate rather than survive. How did the confrontation go? I cried myself to sleep and waited for the hormonal imbalance to pass - for the WIN! It was a pretty decent afternoon nap.

I should also say that I asked friends for help and guidance, emailed knowledgeable experts for more information and had my husband relay to me his abstract expectation for labour and delivery. He thinks that he's going to be bored. ::grin:: I didn't bother to contradict him because how would I rightly know? I haven't done this before either.

I've also been sewing a costume and making plans to make some receiving blankets and roman blinds for the windows to help keep the cold out in the winter.

Business is going well, but I welcome any chance to talk about it that I can. I hate being pushy so it might take me a while to bring it up.

The furry kids are doing well.

We are 85% unpacked and 20% disorganized. Still can't find one of the leg bolts for one of our tables.

Cheruby and I finished quite a few of our co-op video games, watched the complete LOST series, and I finally have him watching Doctor Who. After that, we move onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer. YAY! Any suggestions for new series we should watch?

We took a family vacation on a houseboat for 7 days with my parents, brother and his kids. I hadn't slept for a couple nights before we left so the trip had a tremulous start, other than the constant rocking motion. We felt that rocking motion for a couple days after we got home and were laying down to sleep - quite surreal. I even have pictures and will show them to you!

Cheruby, unfortunately, lost his wedding band in Tobin Lake. He was swimming and the waves were kind of big cuz there was lots of wind. Apparently, the coolness of the lake shrunk his finger enough for the ring to just slip right off. He felt it fall. With the not great weather, which lasted pretty much all night, the lake bottom had to have claimed its prize. That didn't stop him from trying to find for many hours. It had never even threatened to fall off before so it was completely unexpected. A reward has been offered on Nipawin's Kijiji site. Anyone got a good metal detector?

The kids were taught many new games like poker, black jack, liar's dice, and Small World. You might have noticed some heavy Red Dead Redemption influence there. Cheruby was doing most of the teaching. We all lazed about and did crafts or word puzzles or sudoku. Cheruby fell asleep in the sunshine on the top deck, had his face stuck to the vinyl and kind of burnt it a little from that. It's peeling now. Heh. And speaking of peeling, my mom accidentally flashed Cheruby with the new boob that used to be back flesh. Mom and I can't giggle enough over this while Cheruby just doesn't really know what to think because he had no idea what he saw. Next year, we're getting a newer boat with a hot tub and a slide into the lake - WOOT!

Cheruby's mom came to visit us for a bit and that was awesome. She was headed out to Vancouver then and will be back in September. She's so delightful and loved. I was struck by the oddity that was one of her going away parties at Amigo's - Cheruby's ex and her parents were there. Not even weird anymore, just one of those things that reinforces how special Cheruby's mom is to lots of people.

I had a fabulous trip to Calgary where I stayed with a dear friend. I felt that it was a really good visit. The first relaxed good visit we'd had in a very long time. It was overdue. So many wonderful people that I miss in Calgary and didn't have time to see due to the sleep day I took. Driving and peopling can be quite tiring.

There was an in and out trip to Edmonton for my auntie Cool's birthday. She's very wonderful and Cheruby had yet to meet the majority of my mom's family (being the youngest of 12 kids, that's a pretty easy feat). So with a compromise on my part, he was wrangled into coming. I enjoyed seeing everyone although I was feeling wretchedly ill so I wasn't a great conversationalist and wish I could have visited more. We also got to witness a great display of talent on the part of neuba's little one and his aim at his daddy. LOL That was at the end of May and feels like yesterday.

I keep thinking that I have more time before the baby gets here, but it's flying by in leaps and bounds. With the house being mostly unpacked, I'll be taking more pictures for dear TUO who really shouldn't visit in the winter - summer months and good days only so that we can sit on the lovely covered patio with beer. Next year, I can have beer. I miss it some days. Please everyone, have a drink for me when you are especially enjoying what you are drinking!

And that really can't be all, and probably isn't. I hope to see more of you sooner rather than later. I really do enjoy having a quiet life in the sticks.

Oh and one more thing - Cheruby is being published!!! One of his short stories was accepted with some glowing praise for his style. The magazine is called Dark Recesses and is mostly online, but you can get printed copies from Amazon.