Adventures of Fabulous Suz: October 2015

Ebb and Flow

Yesterday, I had a great morning. I hung out with Kara after she crawled into bed with me in the morning. We did the Access routine together and she was a trooper. I was proud of her for sticking with me for the whole thing. Then we did some laundry and fed the animals and she read by herself for a while. Then I made us waffles while Kara put dishes away from the dishwasher for the first time. Then I had a shower.

And then the good times were over. I was a basket of mess and hot tears for a couple hours. Still proud of myself for having such a good start to the day.

Josie, Kara, and I went for a short walk which helped my pulled groin muscle (but not my mood) and then I had an Epsom sat bath to help it further. I watched an episode of Hemlock Grove while there. I was in there for two hours. Kara decided against a bath so I had no reason to get out.

Jer got home and I cried for another couple hours. He just looked at me, saying nothing because all he wanted to do was fix me somehow. I was grateful for the silence. I don't need fixing.

After talking about my day, I was able to work for a bit which felt nice. I haven't been able to for what feels like a long time, but who knows.

Jeremy made supper and did dishes and we watched an episode of OITNB as we are seriously lagging behind. Then he read to me for a while which felt good. I almost fell asleep and then Kara came in and jumped on me for kisses goodnight. So much for the sleep plan. She entirely adorable though. :)

More laundry got done thanks to Jer.

All in all, it was a better day.

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Love and Hate

I've been hearing the thought, "I love my life." It's been with me for over a month now. Three weeks ago, I realized that it was a cover, a lie. I go down the list and logically see that everything is pretty great. So, what the hell gives? "I don't love my life" is the truth of how in feeling. In fact, "I hate my life" feels so much more true.

And then I hear the thought today, "I don't want to be in pain." I initially tried to tack on the word 'anymore', but that too is a lie. It really is just that I don't want to be in pain. So what have I been feeling up until now that isn't pain, but a cover up of a lie that "I love my life"? Do I actually know what pain is? Of course I know. How could I not know? Unless I've never known. I've been told what pain is and I believed it. But is that actually pain? I'm a little too lost right now to tell. And I'm good either way. There is some freedom here in not knowing pain. I have no expectations of something I don't know.

I grieve. I know what that feels like. In fact, it is with tremendous effort that I grieve now with this baby growing inside me that I am scared to death of losing. I have to be able to let go in order for Sullivan to be born. It won't work well otherwise.

So I've lit candles for the past three days - one for my dad and one for my miscarried baby. Her name was Amaranthe. She told me so in a dream. Amaranthe means 'love lies bleeding." I only found that out recently. But yes, it does. So I grieve for her.

My dad died in February. It was his birthday this week. We finally scattered his ashes this past weekend. I'm so grateful to have all the official goodbyes done. It feels like I can finally let go of what's expected of me and grieve deeper. Because, boy, have I grieved.

I see him differently now. I was so angry at him for so long. He never did know how scared I was of him. I kept him at bay being scared of me. But mom unexpectedly took me to the house I grew up in, the house he built. And all I could see in the siding, the deck, the roof, the yard, everywhere, was how he wanted to provide for us, how much he loved us, how much he tried to give us the best, how I never said thank you for those things. I didn't know.

So I grieve and I have such fear.

And I live. And sometimes I feel like dying. And sometimes I hate. And sometimes I love. I am all these things.

My husband wisely said to me tonight that he doesn't want to have to find something new about himself to change. Fair.

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The Emotional Storm Rages On

Today, I want to talk about everything that's making me angry. The comments may be initially directed at others, but every single one is truly about me.

How dare you insinuate that I'm going to raise a suck of a son. It hurts. You know how hard it is for me to keep believing I'm a good parent.

And I hate the product of the eight hours of work we did. It's fucking embarrassing. And you won't even review it. No. It's not okay that you insist on professionalism to absurd degrees other places but not here.

Yes, I know I'm hormonal and depressed and overreacting. But I didn't get to see my family for four fucking days for you. And you pushing yourself is just going to make you sick again. I cannot keep up with you. And I finally get how intense and intimidating I must be sometimes because being one the receiving end is scary as hell.

I don't have the option of ignoring you and getting over it. We have deadlines. But I'm tired now. And I don't know what to do to make the situation better. I love you and your intensity. But I'm hurt right now. And I have to find a way to not be hurt.

I've been beating myself up for years for being a know-it-all. Today, I gave myself permission to be an expert. I have no ideas what that means but there was some relief there. I'll see what comes of it.

I come with pitfalls and traps that I set for myself to fail. There are less now, but they are still there.

This is all the depression talking. So it is mostly, if not all, lies. And maybe tomorrow or next week, I will be able to face all this and heal. That's a nice thought.

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