I had thought I'd known what I wanted to talk about, but I decided at the last moment to use a technique that I was taught in BreakThrough, a life science course through the BodyTalk System, to find my query. I cleared my head and let a story bubble up. We are all stories and I felt like the story I was looking for was hidden to my rational mind.

The story presented itself in a memory of picture that was taken when I was very little. It's a family picture in our yard and we are off kilter and not all in the picture and it is very bright and sunny. I could feel the space around the picture, behind the picture so I let my thoughts wander through the scene and asked questions.The first question to come to me was, "Am I willing to see nothing wrong?" It was a surprising question to me because I feel like I should always be looking for the next pattern to uncover within myself and my behaviours.

Then the idea that I am blind to my denials - unable to see them at all. I desire to make visible that which I cannot see. That's when I could feel the enormous fear mounting within this shield. And I realized that I'm scared of finding something that will break me in a way that I cannot put back together. There was such relief when I spoke this out loud to the reader. I told her of this journey I had just been on to find what I wanted to know.

She was using three decks and her own personal style of divination which I could tell has come to her through following her intuition and letting herself be guided. I LOVE practitioners who can show this trust in themselves. YAY! Her main deck was a Victorian deck which was so well loved and absolutely beautiful. She also used the major arcana from another deck that was quite whimsical and powerful. There is so much to be said about how caricature can emphasize certain traits and bring them to attention. The third deck, she called a soul deck which didn't have any traditional tarot associations.

I know that no matter what comes up, there is a thread of truth in the mirror that we can relate to. That what we choose to see is what comes into focus more clearly. The cards that came up were so brilliantly on target for the imagery I received.

The first card, who I was and am transitioning out of, was the two of swords. Constantly guarding against the world and my environment, constantly holding my breath to prepare for what's next. I couldn't seem to make myself take a deep breath for about a year recently. You can't move or flow or change if you don't breath!

The card signifying where I currently am is the queen of wands. So open and vulnerable and trusting that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be and allowing the flows of the life I'm living to provide me with what I need in each moment. It is the person I thought I was.

And now here's the key - existing as the queen of wands is terrifying to me because I'm not used to that level of trust in my environment and the people around me. So I'll be in the queen of wands mode and then I'll be completely anxious over every little detail of what's going on around me. It's no wonder that I haven't been able to reconcile how I'm feeling about myself and how I'm feeling about my environment.

Having this awareness is amazing and I can feel the anxiety reaction to the world softening already as I trust the space held by the queen of wands.

She also told me that I need to be teaching and offering courses. I don't know what I could teach or offer. My experience is just in being me. And not everyone will relate to my experiences.

This transformational tarot reading was the best tarot reading I've ever had. Thank you, Elyssa Maridueña!!