I asked the cards about my relationship with food. I know I want it to change. I want my health to change. I want so much physical change that it is overwhelming. So I started with my relationship with food.

Deck: The Wild Unknown by Kim Krans

I find this deck to be very blunt and gets to the heart of the matters at hand without niceties. I am writing this as I go through the layout so I may get some a-has about previous cards as I integrate the reading as a whole.

I am represented here by the Son of Swords. Educated, "man" of action, forceful and determined. This is what I feel I need to tap into after years of distancing myself from these behaviours, I believe I need them in this endeavour. 

The heart of the matter is represented by Strength, the mastery of emotions and being in need of harnessing focus, compassion, and self-control within.

The opposing force is the Son of Cups who is the artist, the musician. This could be Jeremy, but I don't see how he is an opposing force unless I am waiting for him to fix me, to take control for me, to tell me what to do. This is a behaviour of mine. I think it is more likely the introspective aspect of the Son of Cups that keeps me at odds with Strength. The constant thinking of the inner world keeps me at odds not only with the determination and action required as well as with self-control and the emotions involved in my relationship with food.

The root cause is represented by the III of Swords. Emotional entanglement and confusion; betrayal, heartbreak, and turmoil. Can we be more specific? My relationship with food started to twist and skew with the eruption of puberty as well as moving up to high school. I've always assumed puberty was the culprit, and forgotten the transition to high school. I understand the hormones, but maybe I need to forgive myself for high school and all that I did to "protect" myself. Yep, there's that word. Protection - what protects better than a nice layer of padding?

The High Priestess represents the past. I feel that this means I have done the work to find the wisdom I need for this relationship shift with food. I have sat in stillness with food to undo the ideas, beliefs, and habits.

The goal is represented by the VIII of Wands. This is the lightning strike I'm waiting for/wanting to create the change. It's feels electric and undeniable. A shock to get me moving.

The Ace of Pentacles represents the future. Where a seedling once stood, there is a mighty tree. The seed is ready to grow and bloom and become. The future is prosperous beginnings.

The IV of Cups represents me in the present moment. It's greed, looking for what I don't have instead of having appreciation for what I already have which is abundance. My situation of having to take steps toward health is envious to a lot of people. I get to be on this journey! I get to! I am so fucking lucky!

External influences are shown through the VIII of Swords. Well, this couldn't be more true. I see myself as a perpetual victim by perceiving obstacles and threats all around me. Wow! "What keeps you suspended here?  [...] The Eight of Swords demands an answer. You cannot hang here much longer." Those words of Kim Krans are a gut punch. Did I mention blunt and no niceties?

Hopes and fears are represented by The Lovers. I want this relationship with all of me. Devotion, joy, desire for myself. I want this solid foundation with food.

The Father of Wands shows me the final outcome. After writing out everything from the guide, I can see where this is going. I will be more in tune with all of life and nature. I have been arrogantly believing that my connection is already great. What if this journey with food will make me more connected with my food as well as everything else in my environment. The wisdom of this journey will not be what my beginnings were with force and determination, but transform force and determination into compassionate force and compassionate determination. And allow me to hold steady in the face of conflict which still makes me want to run to the fridge.

Phew! That was a big one for me.