Here's the reason: I have not really known how to organize my thoughts into one coherent train of thought. And I am still there, although it stresses me out way less.

This was the best adult Christmas of my life.  I was freaking out, as usual, with what I wanted and how to give everyone else what I thought they wanted because the two don't match.  I have always freaked out at Christmas and been unable to reconcile how much I love it to how disappointed I am.  This ever-present desire to be perfect is crazy-making at the best of times, but add Christmas and it's lighting a very short fuse on a chain of bombs going off inwardly and outwardly.

So I kept asking myself how I could possibly make this Christmas different.  Much wailing and gnashing of teeth, inwardly and outwardly, later - I had figured out how to do it all.  It was a slog down painful memory lane, much self-loathing to forgive, and feeling so stuck in the 20+ years of Christmas pain as my pattern.

There's a peace that comes over me when I finally see a new way of doing things.  Like when I figured out that I could just have my family together first thing Christmas morning for a few minutes where I didn't have to share and it was what I needed to fully appreciate the rest of the day.  Fifteen minutes of time with my family to myself and that was the only change to the day's activities.

In previous years, I have called myself selfish, rude, and a bunch of other nasty names for even contemplating such an act.  And in the process, "ruining" Christmas year after year.  Still some guilt there for the pain I caused in others and myself, but compassion and forgiveness are endless and just waiting whenever I need it.

So much for not being able to organize my thoughts.  HA!