New Year's Eve. A time of renewal and birth. Out with the old and in with the new.

I couldn't sleep. Not a new experience, but this experience was wholly new and profound. I couldn't sleep because I was so happy. But not really happy, there was contentment and a host of feelings all mixed together that were very pleasant. Every time I relaxed, I would start smiling from ear to ear. So genuine and real.

The most beautiful part was that this feeling persisted. It persisted through questioning it. It persisted through thinking of other, unpleasant parts of life. It felt like a light at the back of my heart. What had let go and allowed this light to shine so brightly? I had no idea. But I decided to enjoy it for as long as it wanted to stay with me.

It didn't leave. Days later, I found myself sitting at my desk, smiling that smile as I paused to look at the beautiful white world outside my window. It was so pervasive.

I nurtured it to feel it in more places than just my heart. I let it infuse every part of me.

I knew it wasn't going to leave, but I kept checking on it anyway.  I doubted I knew because it was what I wanted. I doubted that it wasn't just a manic episode because I'm pretty sure I've had those in the past and hadn't noticed. I doubted that it wasn't my rose-coloured glasses showing me a world that was much brighter than it actually was.

After some time with it, I came to understand it was wholeness. I felt whole, like I had nothing to hide. It is like feeling fully accepted. There are no beautiful parts, no ugly parts, just all of me. And yet, these words still seem inadequate to describe what I feel.

A truly magical part of this feeling is the confidence. It is subtle and powerful. I thought confidence felt different than this, but it is the absence of doubt being able to take root. Doubt still exists, but it is heard and passes through because the truth of who you are is strong enough to allow for all the possibilities of failure and success.

As with all good things, the awareness of it faded into life, into what my bodymind accepts as my normal. It's still there, part of me. I still nurture it and make it big and bright and effusive.