This Despair

It's been a while since I visited this place for a period of time. The longer I visit, the more I remember what I had gladly forgotten about my longest stays. This time is different. I'm here almost by choice, but really because it was time to remember.

I don't want to be this burden to anyone. But I sent my child to daycare today because I was incapable of being her mom. She left crying, not wanting to leave. I'm left a little broken, because I knew this was best. I told her that she could take care of me by going to daycare. Was it wrong for me to want that from her? She's done it so many times, I forget in her capableness that she doesn't need my burdens. But then, she is my child and whether I try to hide it or not, it is seeping into her being as well.

Today, I had an image in my head that alerted me again to how far I am sinking. And I don't want to leave yet. I have to admit that I want to be here. I want to be in this despair. It seems easier than all the other things I actually want more.

I think I'm luckier on this visit, because I can leave for moments whenever I forget about being here, how overwhelming the path in front of me that I am completely determined to walk. I am determined because every step feels good. Not like accomplishment good, but contentment good. Not the sort of thing I need to shout from the rooftops or convince anyone else of how awesome I did taking that step, but just at peace and kind of glowing from the inside because I did it for me - finally! I'm grateful to know how this feels.

I look down at myself in this pressing forward, trying to walk state and I see nothing holding me back. What I feel is all the roots of the trees behind me keeping me from moving forward.

As this baby grows inside me, as my body creates this new life, I have fear. Again, I have to be a mother. I've kind of figured it out with my daughter. But this is new. It's a boy. He's going to be whoever he is. We've agreed on what his name is. Turns out we've known his name for 5 years and just had to wait to meet him. And the love I feel maybe won't be so terrifying this time.

There it is again, just a little deeper this time - my love is hurtful. And the proof of it is how many people I've hurt and the vast majority, I loved and still love. But I hurt them - repeatedly. I did that. I ruin everything. How can I be trusted with this perfect little baby?

How can I be trusted as a business partner? I still don't know why she thinks I can do this. Why does she believe in me when I clearly don't believe in myself? I'm so scared that she's going to leave me, like he did. I love him so much still and for him to have felt hurt enough by me to leave. And me not loving myself enough to try to stop him, to fight for our beautiful friendship. I finally told the story for the first time earlier this year - to her. I was a wreck, I couldn't even tell the story in a straight line it hurt so much.

But I'm still here. I still love. And I'll surrender whatever needs surrendering once I figure it out and see that the fear is merely in defense of those beliefs by which I define myself. What's really scarier that not knowing who I am? Knowing. I think it's a trap of rules if I know but what if it's the opposite.

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My husband said that my FaceBook feed was really judgmental. I was offended and didn't say anything because I knew it was unreasonable. So, a week later, I blow up about it even though I haven't consciously thought about it in that time. It was percolating and festering and making me crazier without my permission or knowledge because I refused to acknowledge it in the first place.

Intolerance. It's a fabulous human thing that we do without conscious thought. Our subconscious does all the work for us.

I love to think that I am tolerant. But when I examine that, I have judgments about judgments. I have hangups about being told what to do. I have oh so many opinions which are all just judgments by a prettier name. Politics, parenting, partnering, working, and the ever changing what I think is right.

How do we know who we are without judgments? They rule all our relationships with others. Who we want to hang out with, who we loathe, and who we don't even notice is all determined by our subconscious judgments. Our relationships don't start out with rules, but they develop rules because of our judgments that are hidden away.

This is all very painful for me at times when I'm stuck in it. Looking at all the judgments I've made that have ruined everything, feeling guilty and not being able to fix it. I didn't know at the time what I know now. That's the prison I put myself in. It was at some of my lowest points where I was still blaming everyone else for making me feel stupid and inferior and worthless. I kept jumping from one person to the next looking for any kind word to keep myself afloat. I think I forgot myself once in a while and had fun in there too. :)

All the pain has been caused by my own judgments of myself and how the world should work. Judgment and expectation are all mixed up together in the pain. I find myself thinking, "Oh. That's judgmental too. Fuck." Usually followed by a big sigh. As I realize that yet another opposition to how I think is possible. I don't need to control that other opinion. It does have every right to exist along side my opinion and everyone else's.

Tolerance versus acceptance. Neither mean agreement. But allowing for all possibilities sets me free. It lightens my pain. Even enough to allow the joy back in.

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I'm quirky, confident and happy. My friends say I'm generous, warm, reliable, and dependable. My mom, dad, and angel say I'm beautiful. I'm not perfect, but that makes me human.

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    Games We Play

    • Rune Factory Frontier (Wii)
    • Galactrix (DSi)
    • Arkham Asylum (BG)
    • Puerto Rico (BG)
    • Liar's Dice (BG)
    • Smallworld (BG)
    • Agricola (BG)
    • Blue Moon (BG)


    • House renovations
    • D&D with Kaz
    • Playing Eclipse with TWS
    • Preparations for Alien Invasion

    Books On the Go

    • The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis
    • What to Expect When You're Expecting by Murkoff
    • From the Neck Up by Denise Dreher

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