Staring is wrong. It makes people uncomfortable. Don't do it.

How am I supposed to learn about my world if I can't look at it?

So, I am trying to find a way to look with the compassion and acceptance of whatever it is I am seeing.

We equate staring with judgment. It's true. I am judging. Her skin is a different colour than mine. It's beautiful. I wonder why the genetics of that physical trait developed. I want to ask what their experience has been like.

But that's not allowed either. I'm lazy for not doing my own research because someone out there has already shared their experience.

I stayed hidden in my house, not looking, because somehow, it became unsafe to look. And by extension, it became unsafe to be seen.

I think you have a story and I might stare to see if I can experience your world for just a second. It broadens my human experience to know that yours is different. It also makes me feel not alone to wonder if you've had the same struggles as me with loving myself.

I stare because I don't get to see a person that looks like you often. You want to poke my fat rolls? They're jiggly and a little fun. It's hard to see that when the world condemns.

I stare with the wonder of a child. You are a whole magical universe that is so new to me, I have to stare.

I don't want to apologize. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but I am told that I am so I apologize. It's never good enough. I cross the line of appropriate behaviour.

I want it to be okay to look. And be seen.

I am humbled by the people in my life who have been there when I reached out - sometimes really often, sometimes extremely infrequently. Some chose to stay, some chose to leave, but all have been a part of my life.

I wasn’t mentally well. It was bad. I was scared. Though the decision to change was ultimately mine, I might not have made it without all of you even those who I didn’t speak to directly or had only passing, even just on Facebook passing, contact.

I have to keep making the decision to change my behaviour. And part of that is giving as much as I can when I can and still receiving support as much as I can because both are essential to my well being. It’s not a matter of being well enough to stop leaning on others. Relationships are key to longevity more than any other indicator. And since we experience life as a mirror of our internal beliefs and behaviours, our relationship with ourselves is our closest relationship that needs our attention.

My generosity for myself is reflected in my generosity for others. And vice versa. Tolerance, acceptance, loyalty, meanness, and all of the other attributes that can be applied to behaviour are all reflections. My judgment of others is a reflection of my judgment of myself.

All behaviours take practice to make them habit.