Power of Permission
A friend of mine is considering separating from her partner. They have had the same frustrating conversation for years and nothing has changed. I feel for her and only she has the power to choose her next actions.
I am reminded of the time I left my husband. In essence, I had given him six years of space to figure himself out, to get unstuck in an area. He kept changing focus on what he was going to try next. I finally had enough and left with a list of action items he had to do for me to come back. I was eight months pregnant with our second child. Ultimatum? Yes, as all this or that situations are. My intent was to make our lives better - together or apart.
He said that the scariest part was that I wasn't angry, I was doing what was best and he could have his tantrums and freak outs and none of it touched me. He had to work through all his subconscious tactics and exhaust them before change was the only thing left. From my perspective, it was an amazing process to watch him get more and more desperate.
He had many options in front of him, but there was only one path that would bring me and our daughter home. He had his tantrums and we talked and I emailed him everything so that he could know my requests exactly and not argue about what I had said. He had to want to change and not just talk about wanting to change.
It was a precious time for me to look deeper within myself to see how my behaviours were feeding our dysfunction as a family. It was good for us to be separate.
We made it through. I do not feel bad about forcing the situation. I was scared he wouldn't choose his family, but I also could see from the distance of being away that if he wouldn't change, I would never be happy.
This was five years ago now. I am still proud of myself with how I showed myself that I was worth it in that scenario. My happiness was worth it. Kara experiencing me like that was worth it. My husband becoming more aware of himself and his motivations was worth it.
Our marriage is still a work in progress, but there is so much more peace within.
Allowing yourself to choose to leave your relationship also allows you to choose to stay.
There is power in permission.
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