Christmas Reflection

It is a time of year when reflection on the past is paramount. We get in touch with people that we maybe feel we've neglected, we find sentiment in the Christmas decorations box, and we are filled with hope for the future. At least, these are the good traits of Christmas. The memories can't all be good and the outlook for the future may seem bleak for some. It's all a part of life.

This year is particularly special because I have been blessed in the past year with the courage to make some big changes in my life. I am a happier person and this is no small part to the support of my wonderful husband, Cheruby, and my parents as always and all those people I would call friends. The wealth of wonderful people I have as part of my life cannot be compared to any amount of money. I have become richer this year with less money because I have been able to slow down and enjoy the fortune I have in the people I've met over the years. I don't think there's a way to show everyone (yes, including you) how much I appreciate every smile you have brought to my face just by being you.

The happiness to hear joy and peace in a friend's voice or see a picture where the glow of feeling good is unmistakable - those are the best gift in the world. Being allowed to be a friend and help make someone feel valued and special is a very close second, but it's a privilege that has to be accepted with respect and honour. Thank you for letting me be your friend.

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The Waiting Game

This could go on for weeks, this waiting. I might just go a little crazy with the waiting, but it's doing the house a lot of good. It's never been this organized or clean. I could still be at it for weeks without much trouble, I'm sure.

The baby's room and stuff is all organized and catalogued where it came from so I can properly thank all the extremely generous people in my life. The laundry is all done including all the blankets and sheets and towels and everything that's been waiting to be washed since we moved. The bags for the hospital are mostly packed - still can't find my ducky slippers. The car is vacuumed and the car seat installed, albeit we have no idea whether it's done properly. The Christmas tree is up and makes the house smell fabulous. I've made myself a few blankets and baby things which made my Cheruby grin from ear to ear.

And some of the things that are still swimming in my mind to do:

  • organize my office
  • organize the basement
  • hang up the remaining plants
  • make roman shades for all the windows
  • decorate the Christmas tree
  • wrap presents
  • take pictures of the house for those who haven't seen it yet and post them
  • put together our family/friend pictures for display in the living room
  • organize all the music on my computer in anticipation of a new iPod
  • consolidate all my contact information for people I know into one list
  • play Indiana Jones Lego on the Wii (so been neglecting this one)
  • enjoy these last days of being pregnant - I do so love my pregnant belly
  • bake some Christmas cookies which is harder to do when I don't want to eat them

The lady at the post office said that it wouldn't be time until I was jumping off the furniture to clean the ceilings. That's not on the list yet so it may still be a few weeks. I think December is a good time for the waiting game - so much to do.

There is hoarfrost on the trees this morning and it's supposed to be zero degrees today. There are little things every day that are worth noticing.

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Being Beautiful

I read a blog post today and it was beautiful. It was filled with hope and being completely embraced by moments in time. I'm glad he took the time to write it down and share with the rest of us. A small thank you to you. It reminded me of the small moment this morning when I first saw the blanket of white outside the window. I felt joy in spite of myself as my recent nights and days have not be great.

I shared that moment of happiness with my Cheruby later which eased his heart a little. I'm very glad I could give that to him before we are separated for five days.

Having moments of beauty happen all the time around us. Noticing and remembering those moments are keys to my happiness.

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Time is Ticking

While my world is constantly changing because of this baby inside, I am trying to experience as much as possible before the big event.

I've had my fab mother-in-law visit us quite a bit.  She gave me a big thank you and a compliment - she felt comfortable here.  That's probably the best thing she could have said to me.  She's so funny and I love having her around.  I've learned a lot about her life and it's been awesome.  I have so much respect for her and still don't want to disappoint her in some way.  It's getting easier to be myself, but understanding her better makes my fear of disappointment lessen.

My last gaming trip was last month. It was a short trip, but oh so wonderful. I really enjoyed the game. I'm afraid that I really do suck at rules for LARPs and at being manipulative and conniving and deliberately trying to screw people over, but I love the role-playing. I love putting myself in another person's skin. My character being pregnant was good for me to work out some fear of losing my baby. I dealt with it when my character accepted it. And there were a few people who were kind of sick for the last game and didn't come because they didn't want to make me sick. I REALLY appreciated that. I have been trying so hard to get sick.

And I made some huge decisions about my business that felt great. I have decided against the usual strategy in favour of one that I'm comfortable with. I don't want to lose any of my friends over it and am not going to risk them anymore. I will not be afraid to talk to my friends because I feel like I should be pushing my business with them. As well as some great meetings with the bank and lots of support from Cheruby and my upline, I'm feeling so pumped about it. Every day is as great as I make it. And today, there was lots of sleeping with the cats, bologna sandwiches, and watching Avatar. Forty-nine days until these days are past and I'm going to enjoy every moment I can. I will be able to enjoy the days after that in a completely new way.

I've been making more time for friends too. Friends are so important to me and yet, I haven't been making enough time for them. I know it's allowed when life is busy with other things, but just spending time with people for the sake of enjoying their company is awesome. I got to see friends that I haven't seen in over two years in the past month or so. It's been so wonderful and makes for more peace in me.

Lots of travel planned in the next couple weeks - seeing more people that I won't get to see for a while. Very much looking forward to December.

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Spending Time with Leonard Cohen

A few years ago, my mom took me to see Leonard Cohen in concert. She was over the moon about going and I was primarily going with her because I wanted to watch her during the show. I had no real vested interest in seeing Leonard. I had a version of him singing "Closing Time" which was, at that tempo, a 7 minute song so I was usually bored of the song before it was done. Suffice to say, I had very low expectations of the concert itself. And definitely not prepared for the experience.

I remember being a bit awestruck. I didn't end up watching mom that much because I was so enjoying the show. His voice, the adoration from the crowd, the music, the poetry. It was so much more than I had hoped for.

Today, I went through the CDs in the car because I was sick of the radio ads. And there was the Leonard Cohen Live In London CD I got after the concert. I was in the perfect mood for it. There wasn't a lot of ad-lib to the banter (the same in London as in Saskatoon) in between songs, but I enjoyed that too. I found myself smiling and having the same reactions I had sitting in my seat at the concert.

In the midst of my enjoying the memories and the music, this line struck me.
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
I remember it striking me that night too, but not nearly as strongly as I did today. There's so much truth in that. I searched through the different meanings it could have, and there were a few and all of them applied to me. I'm always looking for ways to remember that it's okay to not be my idea of perfect. This covered them all and in a particularly beautiful way. I want to remember this everyday. To remember it when I'm fighting with myself and others. To remember it when I have set expectations of myself. To remember it when I think I'm a horrible mom. This line gives me so much hope in myself for who I can and want to be.

I had moments through out the CDs that made me reflect on my relationships with my friends, my mom, and repeatedly, my husband. He recites a poem that almost every time I hear it, I cry. As all his songs are poetry. He sometimes sings "A Thousand Kisses Deep", but I do love his recitation from the concert. I love how the crowd stops all their noise by the end of the third verse to just listen. It's so moving.

Thanks to Leonard for making my drive today a little less lonely and making me feel so much hope.

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I recently had the incredible experience of being with one of my best friends during her first fashion show. Watching someone you've known forever get one giant step closer to their dream is inspiring and humbling and utterly wonderful.

Fashion is weird. Some designers don't mean for their clothes to be worn, I think. Why else would they design this?  Yes, it was inspired by fencing which I think it cool, but utterly unwearable.  And then there was the skirts out of window screen mesh which looked like one of those old plastic lampshades with the perma-ruffle in hard plastic.  Maybe it's just not for me.

I don't want to be mean because this creation is also part of someone's dream.  My eyes were bugging out of my head with incredulity at some of the garments coming down the runway.  Why does some fashion have to be on the wrong side of funky?  Couldn't there be a little more thought put into each piece to make it wearable AND inspired by fencing?  Again, maybe that's just me.  I don't really know how to make art without making it functional art.

My fashion includes comfort by well-fitted clothes that flatter with a bit of flare.  And I don't mean pin on buttons with cute sayings.

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Baby, Baby, Baby

Eeeep! My lovely (I really mean that - I love her) mother-in-law took Cheruby and I shopping today for baby stuff. I haven't been letting myself buy anything so it was really hard for me to actually keep stuff in hand, but it was so terribly exciting and everything is so cute!

We did get a travel system with a stroller and a car seat which fits in the stroller. I think it's awesome. I had just planned on a car seat for now and not the stroller until spring, but I'm not one to say no to a gift that I had secretly wanted, but didn't think we could get just yet. I also wanted to check out carriers and slings to see what's around.  I've been researching them a lot and there are soo many. Good advice from the doula today was to wait until we have the baby and then go around and try them on. We laughed today about the store needing to have babies around for trying them on. I said I wasn't sure since everyone's preference is personal, but she said that it's not only Cheruby and me that need to make the decision, but baby is going to have a say as well.

We also got some really cute outfits with strange looking giraffes and other aminals on them. Cheruby was objecting to the giraffes, but I really like them. I like hippopotamuses and giraffes and ducks, not necessarily in that order. I also really like purple things and green (sagey) things for the baby. And I HATE pale pastel coloured things. Why would people want to make their children look like someone vomited cotton candy allover them? Get me some skull baby clothes any day.  Did I mention the reversible little shoes with either angel mice or devil mice on them?  I loves thems.  Yes, that is light pink.  Hush.  :)

Cheruby announced to his mom today, as we were trying out different carriers, that I was having a baby. It was really cute.

And cribs are only $100 at IKEA! I was so happy to see this. I don't need to spend a lot of money on sleeping arrangements that my child(ren) will not remember. It seems so pointless, even though the expensive ones are quite pretty.

Third trimester starts on Sunday and the pressure is building. I can still see my waist although it's a completely different shape. Of course, I have to be wearing a shirt that doesn't stretch across the front of my boobs obscuring everything below from view. I really can't eat much because there is no room, but sooo hungry and grumpy if I can't eat.

And we had our first meeting with our doula today and just talked about babies and stuff and thoughts about birth and how things are going. She's very cute and the conversation today was much more relaxed than our first meeting. I enjoyed it a lot more and feel reassured in our decision to hire her. She brought up some very good points that I really appreciated and wouldn't have thought of. I felt good getting it off my chest that she was like a wedding planner for me. I had a fabulous wedding day because I wasn't stressed out about the details. Someone else was in charge of that. She's not specifically planning my birth, but listening to what I want and giving me ideas on what Cheruby and I might want. She's going to be in control of the details so that I can concentrate on what it's all about for me that day - giving birth. And she's going to be a trusted source of information for me so that I know I'm getting all the options given whatever circumstances come up - good or bad. She likes to micromanage. In this case, I'm not only comfortable with that, but happy with it. We joked about me changing my mind when push comes to shove and she's willing to take the birth plan and throw it away if it's not working for us. I was a little nervous about that given one other story I heard. AND we tried to figure out how to sneak one of our kitties into the hospital to help be in a relaxed state. LOL  I'd like to have one of these extravagant rooms, but I think that might be over the top.  Heh.

Cheruby and I also came a lot closer to making a decision about our wills and our child(ren). It was a long, but exciting, fruitful day.

And on top of all this joyfulness, Cheruby felt the little one move for the first time last night.  I think it was punching because of where the movement was on my belly.  So frakkin' thrilled!

Today, I'm very, very happy with my choices.

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Feels Like Yesterday

One year of marriage. I have become more in love with my husband than ever. And he has said the same to me. While we did not dress up like zombies, we did behave like geeks. Board games with friends, Cheruby's fantastic stew (potatoes, carrots, peas from his garden), and a little bit of BSG. It was a totally wonderful day even though we were both in very peculiar moods.

In the past year, we have started a business, got a dog, sold a house, become debt free, been without a home for a month, bought a house in a village, moved, decided to have a baby and become pregnant. I didn't realize until just now how busy we've been. It explains a lot about why I don't feel as connected to my friends as I did before, but I spend every day with my best friend.

And still, the wedding feels like yesterday. It was such a wonderful day! Even the part where I said, "WHAT?!?!" during the ceremony. I'm glad I could just laugh at how silly I was, being so focused on trying to remember my vows.

I think we've been celebrating our marriage every day. Maybe that's why we didn't need to make yesterday a special celebration. We take time to tell each other the important things and have learned things about each other and ourselves in the past year. We've been able to spend so much time, just the two of us, that it didn't need to be that way on our anniversary. I'm sure that will change in the years to come, but this year was the way it was and I'm very grateful for it.

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My mom was right, I am no longer in control. And I will not be in control ever again in my life. LOL

I was supposed to go on a trip yesterday, but Cheruby and I decided that I was in no shape to go anywhere so I must sleep. So I did.

Then I was supposed to go today, but logistics being what they are, it is better for me to go tomorrow. So I wait another day.

All the while, the quickening has been going on and feeling oh, so very strange.

Back at the ranch, things are great. We had a heated discussion about whether boobs are inherently sexy. I think our difference comes down to "inherently" and "sexy" definitions being off more than anything else. In the end, we understood each other. I think it was the first heated discussion we've ever had where I didn't end up getting emotionally involved which was bizarre in itself.

Did I mention that one of my best friends has a fashion show in September? I'm so happy for her. She's giddy and I'm ecstatic for her. This is her dream and here it comes. I've always taken her my sewing projects because I knew I didn't have time and from her being so excited about sewing something cool, she has actually started getting more commissions. She's making her dreams come true and I got some cool clothes. I don't think I can afford her anymore though. ::wink::

Life is truly what you make of it. Don't wait for change to happen - make it happen. We are the most powerful force in our own lives.

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Seeing My Daughter

Well how about that, I saw my daughter today for the first time. The technician was 80% sure that's what the baby is.

I was almost overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement before the ultrasound. I didn't know what to expect, but knew that this was the first opportunity for us to see that our baby was normal or not. Worried about the latter, but trusting it would be the former. I was a ball of emotions waiting to burst.

We started out with Cheruby making some jokes and making me laugh and jiggle. That screwed up the ultrasound picture every time, but the tech was awesome and just went with it. She was great. Cheruby said, "Hey, it's got my femur!" That made the tech chuckle as she hadn't heard that one before. Throughout the whole routine, he was making jokes and we were both fascinated with the screen and watching every image and movement.

It took Cheruby a while to realize that he was seeing the baby move quite a bit. I figured out only a little bit sooner only because I knew when I was moving and when the tech was moving, leaving the only other option for movement on the screen to be baby. What a wonderful experience.

We got to see her feet and her kidneys and her little nose and her little lips. The spine was always alienesque whenever she moved by it. H.R. Giger had definitely seen an ultrasound of an unborn child. Like every other ultrasound, we have a very cute alien.

I hear a little bit of high pitched alien squealing with this image.

As my mother-in-law said, "I love her already."

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To start, I haven't had that much fun LARPing in a long time. I finished the last of the hand sewing on my under dress in the car. I didn't even get started on the outer layer, but that's a project for this month before the next game. I also figured that the dress was mostly done, but didn't really have any definition anywhere so I made a chainmaille belt that had a long dangly bit in the front as was the fashion in medieval times. I hope that I get to see the pictures The Whole Show took soon. I also managed to do my hair in the car.

While the theme of the game is faeries, the costuming was all over the place. I am definitely in the group that wants power. And as such, I went with traditional medieval style dress. There were a few others, but there were some that were definitely not. Like a real cutie in red underwear and a long mesh dress. And I'm not talking subtle mesh. What an ass! ::insert knuckle biting here:: I liked the amount of PVC and the Boots. The Boots were definitely another drool factor.

All in all, I think the game went very well. Roleplaying in this particular system is so easy because you don't have to really break character to do a challenge. Unless you are a noob like me who had to read the rules through when doing a challenge with another rules noob. We still had a lot of fun. I failed at my original goal, but the intent of that goal (to gain more holdings) was met in another fashion. YAY! And now, I have another worthy goal. All in all, it's a ton of fun to make people think you are something you're not.

I have a lot more planning and thinking to do before the next game. It's very unfortunate for the storyteller that I really don't care about the dead character whose murder we are supposed to be trying to solve. I think my character is happier now that she's dead more than anyone, but no one else needs to know that. Of course, I don't think anyone should trust a "nice" sidhe.

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Craving Music

The first thing I craved in this pregnancy was music. I typically listen to my bubblegum station, but it made me nauseated. I followed my instincts immediately because no one likes feeling nauseated, and flipped through the dial. Relief swept over me as I heard some Tea Party. I had found the city's "source for new rock, the best of the 90's, along with the biggest classic rock". Yep, those are the sounds of relief and relaxation for a pregnant me. Go figure.

Music is very personal subject for my Cheruby. He hates pop music and cherishes his classical (and most other styles). He cringes when I call everything classical, but I don't know any better. And maybe it's kind of fun for me to push that button of his. :D He is impressed when he can tell that the music takes some talent to produce. The musically uneducated masses don't really have that criterion. We listen and pick music we like because it's pleasant or makes us feel a certain way or annoys our parents.

I believe I've mentioned my emotional filter previously and music is no exception. Cheruby would really love it if I would learn to love his classical music, but we don't know where to start. Most of it is boring to me (elicits no emotional response), some of it is perfectly awful (my shoulders tense within seconds and give me a headache within a minute), and a rare piece is glorious (fills me with whirling emotions that I get to figure out and enjoy). I truly love being able to describe my emotions and create similes and metaphors about where the music has taken me. Unfortunately, my emotional response to music rarely coincides with the technical expertise it takes to create that music.

The best part about musical craving is that I know the part that music plays in our lives will just get bigger. Now, to find someone who will tune the whole piano and not just two octaves around middle C.

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A Little Change

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

Still ME

Yes, this is still me, the fabulous Suz. I just felt like a change to the look of my personal space on the interweb. I've been stagnant for a while, at least online, and the furniture is too heavy to move for me now.

Big weekend of Twilight Imperium. We have guests from Calgary and some from Saskatoon. It's going to be a great weekend!

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Whatcha doin'?

The world is a full and amazing place.

Today, I confronted feelings of fear, sadness, and inadequacy about my knowledge of what I need to know to have a birth that I celebrate rather than survive. How did the confrontation go? I cried myself to sleep and waited for the hormonal imbalance to pass - for the WIN! It was a pretty decent afternoon nap.

I should also say that I asked friends for help and guidance, emailed knowledgeable experts for more information and had my husband relay to me his abstract expectation for labour and delivery. He thinks that he's going to be bored. ::grin:: I didn't bother to contradict him because how would I rightly know? I haven't done this before either.

I've also been sewing a costume and making plans to make some receiving blankets and roman blinds for the windows to help keep the cold out in the winter.

Business is going well, but I welcome any chance to talk about it that I can. I hate being pushy so it might take me a while to bring it up.

The furry kids are doing well.

We are 85% unpacked and 20% disorganized. Still can't find one of the leg bolts for one of our tables.

Cheruby and I finished quite a few of our co-op video games, watched the complete LOST series, and I finally have him watching Doctor Who. After that, we move onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer. YAY! Any suggestions for new series we should watch?

We took a family vacation on a houseboat for 7 days with my parents, brother and his kids. I hadn't slept for a couple nights before we left so the trip had a tremulous start, other than the constant rocking motion. We felt that rocking motion for a couple days after we got home and were laying down to sleep - quite surreal. I even have pictures and will show them to you!

My dad lighting a lantern that floated up and into the sky over the lake.

Lovely little critter den in the forest.

Someone else's idea of creepy. Oh! And I collected some critter vertebrae for some nefarious purpose in the future.

Cheruby thought this area of the forest felt "wrong".

Cheruby, unfortunately, lost his wedding band in Tobin Lake. He was swimming and the waves were kind of big cuz there was lots of wind. Apparently, the coolness of the lake shrunk his finger enough for the ring to just slip right off. He felt it fall. With the not great weather, which lasted pretty much all night, the lake bottom had to have claimed its prize. That didn't stop him from trying to find for many hours. It had never even threatened to fall off before so it was completely unexpected. A reward has been offered on Nipawin's Kijiji site. Anyone got a good metal detector?

The kids were taught many new games like poker, black jack, liar's dice, and Small World. You might have noticed some heavy Red Dead Redemption influence there. Cheruby was doing most of the teaching. We all lazed about and did crafts or word puzzles or sudoku. Cheruby fell asleep in the sunshine on the top deck, had his face stuck to the vinyl and kind of burnt it a little from that. It's peeling now. Heh. And speaking of peeling, my mom accidentally flashed Cheruby with the new boob that used to be back flesh. Mom and I can't giggle enough over this while Cheruby just doesn't really know what to think because he had no idea what he saw. Next year, we're getting a newer boat with a hot tub and a slide into the lake - WOOT!

Cheruby's mom came to visit us for a bit and that was awesome. She was headed out to Vancouver then and will be back in September. She's so delightful and loved. I was struck by the oddity that was one of her going away parties at Amigo's - Cheruby's ex and her parents were there. Not even weird anymore, just one of those things that reinforces how special Cheruby's mom is to lots of people.

I had a fabulous trip to Calgary where I stayed with a dear friend. I felt that it was a really good visit. The first relaxed good visit we'd had in a very long time. It was overdue. So many wonderful people that I miss in Calgary and didn't have time to see due to the sleep day I took. Driving and peopling can be quite tiring.

There was an in and out trip to Edmonton for my auntie Cool's birthday. She's very wonderful and Cheruby had yet to meet the majority of my mom's family (being the youngest of 12 kids, that's a pretty easy feat). So with a compromise on my part, he was wrangled into coming. I enjoyed seeing everyone although I was feeling wretchedly ill so I wasn't a great conversationalist and wish I could have visited more. We also got to witness a great display of talent on the part of neuba's little one and his aim at his daddy. LOL That was at the end of May and feels like yesterday.

I keep thinking that I have more time before the baby gets here, but it's flying by in leaps and bounds. With the house being mostly unpacked, I'll be taking more pictures for dear TUO who really shouldn't visit in the winter - summer months and good days only so that we can sit on the lovely covered patio with beer. Next year, I can have beer. I miss it some days. Please everyone, have a drink for me when you are especially enjoying what you are drinking!

And that really can't be all, and probably isn't. I hope to see more of you sooner rather than later. I really do enjoy having a quiet life in the sticks.

Oh and one more thing - Cheruby is being published!!! One of his short stories was accepted with some glowing praise for his style. The magazine is called Dark Recesses and is mostly online, but you can get printed copies from Amazon.

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A Tale of Two Friends

Many years ago, I gave up on a friendship because I could not separate my need to fix my friend from actually being a friend. I gave so much of myself that I didn't know what was left anymore. I stopped calling and emailing. Unfortunately, I did not have the guts to tell my friend why which was very bad and not respectful of me. That decision and its consequences have stayed with me. At the time, it was the best choice I could make with the information I had and being too young to realize that I was not the centre of the universe.

Now, I'm in the other shoes with the difference being that I was told why. We were the best of friends. Movies, Coke, and Smarties until I was too wired to sleep for days with the partner in crime lolling off to dreamland at will. Baking soda biscuits being shipped across the country. Laughter, finishing each others' thoughts, telepathy only being broken once in a blue moon, crossword puzzles on the grass (on fabulous blankets, of course), drives with the car choosing the path, and so many other great times. Then I moved. When I moved back, I had expectations of myself that things would be just like they were - Saskatoon would be exactly as I left it and it would fit the same. It didn't. Change happened. The friendship was good, but different. I wanted to be perfect and couldn't. That's always a bad place to be so I took* from anyone who would give. I was awful to those I loved most and put on an exhausting show for everyone else that I could only keep up a quarter the time if that. Depression was hard to admit because it felt like failure. When I finally did realize how far down I was, it was too late. I'd taken too much. I was the one in need of fixing as I had thought of my other friend all those years before. The same choice has been made again because one can only give so much before there's nothing left.

It has been difficult to make peace with my friend's choice, but I hope I get it now. I can't be sure and that's harder, I think. I cannot change the past and I did the best I could at the time. I am sorry that someone I care about and who cared about me enough to give too much was caused so much distress. I do wish things could have been different, but they aren't. Another great friendship has dwindled, but is certainly worthy of Valinor.

*I don't know how to define what I took.

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To Babble or Not to Babble

So, this is pregnancy. Waking up at 5 hours of sleep to NEED to do something. Doing something and then sleeping for another 5 hours. Rambling thoughts that go everywhere, but when I try to remember where I've been, it's blank. No complete awareness of what's going on around me no matter how hard I concentrate at times. I don't trust myself driving. My memory is a sieve and I'm so not used to it - any of it. It consumed most of my waking thoughts - am I getting enough vitamins? have I already done irreversible damage? is it a boy or a girl? am I going to be strong enough when I need to be? will I remember the pain? will I resent my baby for the loss of time for me? can I trust myself?

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Where Did I Go?

I just realized that I missed some pretty major events in the lives of close friends of mine in the past few months. This seems to happen more frequently these days. I'll be the first to admit that I've been pretty caught up in my own life and not paying much mind to others. And by that, I mean on Facebook, because if I received a call or email from someone, I always made time to chat.

Facebook seems to have become too big for me. Yep, me - the woman who couldn't keep her computer off her lap for more than half an hour. I don't even know what over half my friends are doing even though statuses are being updated regularly, photos added, etc. I went through an exercise of looking through months of statuses on a few friends to find out how they've been and what they've been doing. Is it considered being a bad friend to not follow on Facebook? My friends are telling me (and all their other friends) exactly what they are up to all the time. There now seems to be a social obligation to find out through social networking - blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc. rather than anything personal. Telling everyone means telling each individual even if the individual doesn't read it - bad non-reading friend. If it hadn't been for others, I wouldn't have known some friends were in Saskatoon from California and Calgary this weekend. I'm very grateful that I actually spoke to people who had noticed otherwise I might have missed the whole thing.

So in short, I think I was abducted by aliens for a while and had a pod person going through the motions for me. I have some sporadic memories, but mostly just boring stuff. Sorry everyone, I didn't mean to ignore you. Blame the aliens. ::grin::

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Non-"Historical" House With History

Cheruby went to the Harris museum the other day and found more information than our plaque provides on our house. Mostly it is information about who owned our house since it was built in 1927, but that includes some interesting information itself. There is even a picture of the building when it was a C.N.R. Station at Crystal Beach. Most of the other information is about Crystal Beach which was a lake that dried up in the 50s. The government pitched in some money for a swimming pool to keep the resort alive (it had events held there which 4000 people attended), but then a fire took the pavilion, dance hall, and concession. That's what really killed it.

The lot is 100" wide by 120" deep so we have a lot of space. It makes the house look proportionally sized to lot, not the ginormous 1420 sq. ft. bungalow that it is.

The potatoes and corn haven't started growing yet so we haven't erected the fence around the garden yet. Asparagus, peas, and carrots are yet to be planted. The previous owner left behind some raspberries, rhubarb, chives, and poppies. There are a few too many chives, but they'll be pretty when they bloom.

Cheruby is putting together a bookshelf while I write this. And then he's going to ask me to move so he can rearrange the living room.

The bathroom is off the kitchen which is a little odd, but serviceable so it doesn't really matter. And the carpets, in my opinion, all need to be replaced as I can continue to smell the previous occupants and their smoke.

Wish list of renos includes all new floors, painted walls in all the bedrooms, flooring other than concrete in the basement, all new closet structures, making the walls in the living room match (three different wall treatments), upgrading the furnace and water heater, installing air conditioning, repairing and repainting the soffits, insulating the garage/workshop, etc. Of course, the first two priorities are a/c and a new bedroom floor. I'll sleep even better at night.

The garage has a new tin roof. We agreed to buy the place with the crappy falling apart roof on the garage - this was a very pleasant surprise. It has a new wood stove as of four years ago and is quite large. It's more likely that we'll use this space as a workshop than garage.

There is also a carport type structure in the yard which we've decided to use as a picnic type area. Here's our view from said structure.

As we get the rooms cleaned up, I'll post more. I bought a jigsaw today and installed the cat door to the basement. It was awesome. I think I need more saws.

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New House

Our house's plaque.

Life in Harris is full of small town cliches. I wouldn't have imagined any of them to be true, but they are.

The post office lady is Sheila and she was at the bank when Cheruby was there so he came home for 15 minutes before heading to the post office to pick up a package. The local hotel doesn't actually let any rooms, it's just the bar. Our neighbour, Lila, brought us a cake and a dahlia yesterday. She went through the trouble of putting the cake on her own plate, but then immediately had to tell me that she didn't make the cake. She just tried to make it look like she made the cake. I was highly amused.

So one of our other neighbours is Norman. He just got back from the sunny, warm south somewhere. Apparently, quite a few folks just spend their summers here. And there is an old catholic church in town that's boarded up - it is occupied for one week a year when the owner and family/friends come up to go hunting.

We do need a restaurant in town. There's a story about the Harris Grill which is for sale, but it's asking price is too high so it just sits. Anyone interested in moving to Harris to open a restaurant? There are a few other properties for sale here. ::grin::

Janelle at the credit union is almost due so has just started training her replacement. It won't be long now.

The birds at 4 a.m. can be a bit raucous, but then, I'd rather have that than sirens or yelling people in the apartment building across the alley.

We have to protect our garden from the deer. Cheruby is learning to be a handyman and gardener. We bought a book called, "Back to Basics - A Complete Guide to Traditional Skills". Somebody's going to have to know these things especially how to craft a dulcimer.

There are few photos of inside the house yet because it still looks like a box storage place.

An mostly acceptable picture of the kitchen.

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Arms Up and Wiggling!

I just wanted to tell the world that I feel like doing a happy dance.

No reason.

Just happy dancing.

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Project x365 Has Moved

So it turns out that it's probably a good idea to keep these project posts on their own blog. And here it is: 33x365 by Suzi

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, but nice. We've been spending our money on things we haven't been able to afford since the wedding like this fabulous new game. We've played it many times with Kevy-poo and my brother and niece and nephew and just each other. It really is a great game for many different reasons. I can't wait to play it with some other game-lovin' folks.

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Vegas and House Hunting

No, I wasn't house hunting in Vegas, but I was in Las Vegas after house hunting. And there may have been some forgery involved to get what we wanted.

I was in Las Vegas for the Arbonne National Training Conference. I was not pleased to be in Las Vegas when there was so much to do at home, but I was promised that this was the conference to be at. And that was very true. I am incredibly happy that I was there for the conference and launch of the new products. It was really great training and I'm incredibly glad that I went.

And house hunting was exhausting some days and the realtors certainly had to get a sense of humour quick with us. For some reason, murder rooms were a hot topic. Heh. At least Cheruby and I had fun with it. And at the mention of moving to a small town, Clark teased me about needing to get some dead animals for the walls. I'm always a little sad when stereotypes are fulfilled, but this one made me laugh too hard to make it noteworthy. Complete with old beer fridge.

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Just Do It

Today is the first day of my just do it campaign. My husband and I are in midst of creating the life we want and why would I stop with just what we want! There is so much time in every day that I can be doing and creating my life so that I love every moment.

And my first command decision is a blog project that has been intriguing me for a long while now. I've been putting it off because I've always thought, "Not now, I know I won't keep it up." So here it is: 33x365. I don't want to wait until my birthday so it'll change to 34x365 when the time comes.

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Time of My Life

I couldn't think of a better, non-mushy, title. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I'll break it down as best as I can remember.

1. I love my business. I'm still passionate about it after months. Still scared, but still have the freedom to be me and be happy.
2. I love my husband. This should go without saying, but the past few months being at home with him have been amazing - more in love than ever.
3. Having twice as many animals as humans in the house is fabulous and furry. Josie has grown quite a bit.

4. Cheruby and I are fixing up the house to sell it so that we can buy a place just outside the city. And we don't like painting. We had quite a few reno angels who will forever be in my praises. The bathroom looks better than it has is a bazillion years. I'm very pleased with it.
5. ::wink::
6. My new hobby is making hats. I'll be taking requests soon. There are a few things that I have to work out first like moving. I'm incredibly excited. I even had a job offer in Alberta to make hats even though I'm not experienced. I had to say no because it's in Alberta, but I fantasized for a while about making hats for a living.
7. Have been catching up with so many old friends, it's unbelievable. I have time to spend on the things that matter - the people in my life. And I've been making new friends galore. Did I mention that I love my business?

Still having the best time of my life and am working very hard to keep it that way.

Coolest new find from David A. Carter. Thanks, LW!

All the books in the series are One Red Dot, Blue 2, 600 Black Spots, Yellow Square, and White Noise. I got overwhelmed at the beginning of 600 Black Spots and couldn't continue. I was so happily overwhelmed with the books. They are such a special bit of wonder. And what's really cool is that he even co-wrote a book, Elements Of Pop Up -
A Pop Up Book For Aspiring Paper Engineers
, to help other people create such wonder!

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I'm quirky, confident and happy. My friends say I'm generous, warm, reliable, and dependable. My mom, dad, and angel say I'm beautiful. I'm not perfect, but that makes me human.

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    Games We Play

    • Rune Factory Frontier (Wii)
    • Galactrix (DSi)
    • Arkham Asylum (BG)
    • Puerto Rico (BG)
    • Liar's Dice (BG)
    • Smallworld (BG)
    • Agricola (BG)
    • Blue Moon (BG)


    • House renovations
    • D&D with Kaz
    • Playing Eclipse with TWS
    • Preparations for Alien Invasion

    Books On the Go

    • The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis
    • What to Expect When You're Expecting by Murkoff
    • From the Neck Up by Denise Dreher

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