This could go on for weeks, this waiting. I might just go a little crazy with the waiting, but it's doing the house a lot of good. It's never been this organized or clean. I could still be at it for weeks without much trouble, I'm sure.

The baby's room and stuff is all organized and catalogued where it came from so I can properly thank all the extremely generous people in my life. The laundry is all done including all the blankets and sheets and towels and everything that's been waiting to be washed since we moved. The bags for the hospital are mostly packed - still can't find my ducky slippers. The car is vacuumed and the car seat installed, albeit we have no idea whether it's done properly. The Christmas tree is up and makes the house smell fabulous. I've made myself a few blankets and baby things which made my Cheruby grin from ear to ear.

And some of the things that are still swimming in my mind to do:

• organize my office
• organize the basement
• hang up the remaining plants
• make roman shades for all the windows
• decorate the Christmas tree
• wrap presents
• take pictures of the house for those who haven't seen it yet and post them
• put together our family/friend pictures for display in the living room
• organize all the music on my computer in anticipation of a new iPod
• consolidate all my contact information for people I know into one list
• play Indiana Jones Lego on the Wii (so been neglecting this one)
• enjoy these last days of being pregnant - I do so love my pregnant belly
• bake some Christmas cookies which is harder to do when I don't want to eat them

The lady at the post office said that it wouldn't be time until I was jumping off the furniture to clean the ceilings. That's not on the list yet so it may still be a few weeks. I think December is a good time for the waiting game - so much to do.

There is hoarfrost on the trees this morning and it's supposed to be zero degrees today. There are little things every day that are worth noticing.

Eeeep! My lovely (I really mean that - I love her) mother-in-law took Cheruby and I shopping today for baby stuff. I haven't been letting myself buy anything so it was really hard for me to actually keep stuff in hand, but it was so terribly exciting and everything is so cute!

We did get a travel system with a stroller and a car seat which fits in the stroller. I think it's awesome. I had just planned on a car seat for now and not the stroller until spring, but I'm not one to say no to a gift that I had secretly wanted, but didn't think we could get just yet. I also wanted to check out carriers and slings to see what's around.  I've been researching them a lot and there are soo many. Good advice from the doula today was to wait until we have the baby and then go around and try them on. We laughed today about the store needing to have babies around for trying them on. I said I wasn't sure since everyone's preference is personal, but she said that it's not only Cheruby and me that need to make the decision, but baby is going to have a say as well.

Noooooooooooo...

We also got some really cute outfits with strange looking giraffes and other aminals on them. Cheruby was objecting to the giraffes, but I really like them. I like hippopotamuses and giraffes and ducks, not necessarily in that order. I also really like purple things and green (sagey) things for the baby. And I HATE pale pastel coloured things. Why would people want to make their children look like someone vomited cotton candy allover them? Get me some skull baby clothes any day.  Did I mention the reversible little shoes with either angel mice or devil mice on them?  I loves thems.  Yes, that is light pink.  Hush.  :)

Cheruby announced to his mom today, as we were trying out different carriers, that I was having a baby. It was really cute.

And cribs are only $100 at IKEA! I was so happy to see this. I don't need to spend a lot of money on sleeping arrangements that my child(ren) will not remember. It seems so pointless, even though the expensive ones are quite pretty.

Third trimester starts on Sunday and the pressure is building. I can still see my waist although it's a completely different shape. Of course, I have to be wearing a shirt that doesn't stretch across the front of my boobs obscuring everything below from view. I really can't eat much because there is no room, but sooo hungry and grumpy if I can't eat.

And we had our first meeting with our doula today and just talked about babies and stuff and thoughts about birth and how things are going. She's very cute and the conversation today was much more relaxed than our first meeting. I enjoyed it a lot more and feel reassured in our decision to hire her. She brought up some very good points that I really appreciated and wouldn't have thought of. I felt good getting it off my chest that she was like a wedding planner for me. I had a fabulous wedding day because I wasn't stressed out about the details. Someone else was in charge of that. She's not specifically planning my birth, but listening to what I want and giving me ideas on what Cheruby and I might want. She's going to be in control of the details so that I can concentrate on what it's all about for me that day - giving birth. And she's going to be a trusted source of information for me so that I know I'm getting all the options given whatever circumstances come up - good or bad. She likes to micromanage. In this case, I'm not only comfortable with that, but happy with it. We joked about me changing my mind when push comes to shove and she's willing to take the birth plan and throw it away if it's not working for us. I was a little nervous about that given one other story I heard. AND we tried to figure out how to sneak one of our kitties into the hospital to help be in a relaxed state. LOL  I'd like to have one of these extravagant rooms, but I think that might be over the top.  Heh.

Cheruby and I also came a lot closer to making a decision about our wills and our child(ren). It was a long, but exciting, fruitful day.

And on top of all this joyfulness, Cheruby felt the little one move for the first time last night.  I think it was punching because of where the movement was on my belly.  So frakkin' thrilled!

Today, I'm very, very happy with my choices.

My mom was right, I am no longer in control. And I will not be in control ever again in my life. LOL

I was supposed to go on a trip yesterday, but Cheruby and I decided that I was in no shape to go anywhere so I must sleep. So I did.

Then I was supposed to go today, but logistics being what they are, it is better for me to go tomorrow. So I wait another day.

All the while, the quickening has been going on and feeling oh, so very strange.

Back at the ranch, things are great. We had a heated discussion about whether boobs are inherently sexy. I think our difference comes down to "inherently" and "sexy" definitions being off more than anything else. In the end, we understood each other. I think it was the first heated discussion we've ever had where I didn't end up getting emotionally involved which was bizarre in itself.

Did I mention that one of my best friends has a fashion show in September? I'm so happy for her. She's giddy and I'm ecstatic for her. This is her dream and here it comes. I've always taken her my sewing projects because I knew I didn't have time and from her being so excited about sewing something cool, she has actually started getting more commissions. She's making her dreams come true and I got some cool clothes. I don't think I can afford her anymore though. ::wink::

Life is truly what you make of it. Don't wait for change to happen - make it happen. We are the most powerful force in our own lives.

Well how about that, I saw my daughter today for the first time. The technician was 80% sure that's what the baby is.

I was almost overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement before the ultrasound. I didn't know what to expect, but knew that this was the first opportunity for us to see that our baby was normal or not. Worried about the latter, but trusting it would be the former. I was a ball of emotions waiting to burst.

We started out with Cheruby making some jokes and making me laugh and jiggle. That screwed up the ultrasound picture every time, but the tech was awesome and just went with it. She was great. Cheruby said, "Hey, it's got my femur!" That made the tech chuckle as she hadn't heard that one before. Throughout the whole routine, he was making jokes and we were both fascinated with the screen and watching every image and movement.

It took Cheruby a while to realize that he was seeing the baby move quite a bit. I figured out only a little bit sooner only because I knew when I was moving and when the tech was moving, leaving the only other option for movement on the screen to be baby. What a wonderful experience.

We got to see her feet and her kidneys and her little nose and her little lips. The spine was always alienesque whenever she moved by it. H.R. Giger had definitely seen an ultrasound of an unborn child. Like every other ultrasound, we have a very cute alien.

I hear a little bit of high pitched alien squealing with this image.

As my mother-in-law said, "I love her already."

The first thing I craved in this pregnancy was music. I typically listen to my bubblegum station, but it made me nauseated. I followed my instincts immediately because no one likes feeling nauseated, and flipped through the dial. Relief swept over me as I heard some Tea Party. I had found the city's "source for new rock, the best of the 90's, along with the biggest classic rock". Yep, those are the sounds of relief and relaxation for a pregnant me. Go figure.

Music is very personal subject for my Cheruby. He hates pop music and cherishes his classical (and most other styles). He cringes when I call everything classical, but I don't know any better. And maybe it's kind of fun for me to push that button of his. :D He is impressed when he can tell that the music takes some talent to produce. The musically uneducated masses don't really have that criterion. We listen and pick music we like because it's pleasant or makes us feel a certain way or annoys our parents.

I believe I've mentioned my emotional filter previously and music is no exception. Cheruby would really love it if I would learn to love his classical music, but we don't know where to start. Most of it is boring to me (elicits no emotional response), some of it is perfectly awful (my shoulders tense within seconds and give me a headache within a minute), and a rare piece is glorious (fills me with whirling emotions that I get to figure out and enjoy). I truly love being able to describe my emotions and create similes and metaphors about where the music has taken me. Unfortunately, my emotional response to music rarely coincides with the technical expertise it takes to create that music.

The best part about musical craving is that I know the part that music plays in our lives will just get bigger. Now, to find someone who will tune the whole piano and not just two octaves around middle C.

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

So, this is pregnancy. Waking up at 5 hours of sleep to NEED to do something. Doing something and then sleeping for another 5 hours. Rambling thoughts that go everywhere, but when I try to remember where I've been, it's blank. No complete awareness of what's going on around me no matter how hard I concentrate at times. I don't trust myself driving. My memory is a sieve and I'm so not used to it - any of it. It consumed most of my waking thoughts - am I getting enough vitamins? have I already done irreversible damage? is it a boy or a girl? am I going to be strong enough when I need to be? will I remember the pain? will I resent my baby for the loss of time for me? can I trust myself?

I just wanted to tell the world that I feel like doing a happy dance.

No reason.

Just happy dancing.