Loving My Baby


For the majority of the population, it goes without saying that you love your children dearly.  They are an amazing creation that leaves you shocked and amazed at your own capacity to love.  When Starbuck was born, I kept waiting for that feeling.  I loved her and cared a lot about her, but I didn't feel overwhelmed by these feelings.  For a while, I even questioned myself on how much I loved her and thought that I needed to love her more because something didn't feel right.  I was congratulated on becoming another member of the "having your heart walking around outside yourself" club, but I didn't feel it.  Where was the love?

If you know me, this may seem incredibly odd.  I'm quite sentimental, sappy, gushy, lovey, and especially, emotional.  I thought I should be hearing alarm bells, but I didn't feel alarmed at not feeling the love either.  I just thought it was strange, and though I questioned myself, I did not ever think that I didn't love my baby.  I kept waiting for it.

One night, I decided to let loose and get crazy.  A little bit of this and a little bit of that and I was happy, tipsy, loopy, whatever you want to call it.  To my shock and dismay, however, I couldn't stop crying.  It took me a while as my brain was fuzzy, but I figured out why - it was the love.  I had finally let my guard down and all this love was overwhelming and scary and, quite frankly, too much for little ol' me to deal with.  It was HUGE*.  The biggest feeling I have ever felt in my life and I couldn't even comprehend it all at once.

So now, I just have to know the love is there and keep my guard up.  I'd be a wreck if I felt that love every moment of every day.  I don't know that I could actually function.  I'm practicing being able to feel little bits of that love at my leisure when I have time and the fortitude to withstand its power.

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* That's what she said.

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1 comments:

Cori said...

I think I know what you mean.

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I'm quirky, confident and happy. My friends say I'm generous, warm, reliable, and dependable. My mom, dad, and angel say I'm beautiful. I'm not perfect, but that makes me human.
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