A Little Change

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

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I'm quirky, confident and happy. My friends say I'm generous, warm, reliable, and dependable. My mom, dad, and angel say I'm beautiful. I'm not perfect, but that makes me human.

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    Games We Play

    • Rune Factory Frontier (Wii)
    • Galactrix (DSi)
    • Arkham Asylum (BG)
    • Puerto Rico (BG)
    • Liar's Dice (BG)
    • Smallworld (BG)
    • Agricola (BG)
    • Blue Moon (BG)

    Happenings

    • House renovations
    • D&D with Kaz
    • Playing Eclipse with TWS
    • Preparations for Alien Invasion

    Books On the Go

    • The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis
    • What to Expect When You're Expecting by Murkoff
    • From the Neck Up by Denise Dreher

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