The Role I Play

Yesterday afternoon, in between some event or another related to Drang & Sally's wedding, I was questioning the role I play in my social circle. I believe I was musing this to Cheruby, but it really could have been anybody. In large groups, I don't contribute a lot to conversation and I'd rather just be off having a conversation with one person about something close to me. I don't have a lot of education so I don't like to participate in intellectual conversations because my knowledge of subjects is typically shallow and new concepts need to needle into my brain before I can discuss them with any confidence. I haven't many hobbies that interesting enough to talk about for more than three minutes and my job is as a manager which has challenges similar to every other manager job making it not that discussion worthy either. Having said all that, I don't feel completely out of place. I just like to be surrounded by my people and be able to put a smile on their face in whatever small way I can - either with a beer in hand or laughing a joke (rarely ingeniously if ever) or any other small attention that lets my people know I care. I used to be better at small talk and being "on" but fell out of practice and some lost desire to be able to make small talk. Then Drang, just a few hours later, paid me a very good compliment by echoing my thoughts. Just after I'd started into a fit of giggles about some silly joke someone told and had to repeat, "This is why we like having Suzi around. Just a little thing and you get rewarded with that laugh." Or something like that. It made me happy. I think I cried.

I was very tired yesterday and cried tears of joy about at least a dozen times including 3 times during the wedding ceremony including during the strip show as laughter is a release, once when I hugged Drang, once when I hugged Sally five seconds later, and twice when I was driving a friend from work to the reception. There many more times of tears, especially in talking with one of my best friends who I rarely get to talk to anymore because of location and being so busy.

And just so I don't forget. The JP was on Quaaludes and it felt a bit like Romper Room. I see cenobyte and his nibs and sprogs and r:tag and tuo and buttery b and mr. tall and furlak and bne and... and it was good. [sniff]

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3 comments:

cenobyte said...

Now don't *YOU* start, because if you start, then we'll ALL go, and that'll just be a big mess.

But, really...your role? We have roles? Oh man. Um. I can't find my script...

Snoozy, your 'role' in our lives (and here I'm being microcosmic and referring to my family, but y'all can chime in on this one) is that you are a dear and cherished friend, and who the hell cares if there's a quantum anomaly or political unrest or people who've paid too much for advanced education? It's not about that. It's about your heart and your soul, and yours are, by far, the biggest and most open. Um. That was meant as a compliment, and not to say 'you have really big bewbs', which also could be a compliment, depending on what you think about bewbs.

If any of us have 'roles' in our sweet, dark cabal, it is that we each bring something unique to the (gaming) table, and what you bring is pure, raw emotion and joy and heartfelt ...um... stuff, and you just make everything brighter. In a very dark and spooky way, of course.

And I'm glad your feet are warm.

loves,
cenobyte

rilla said...

I read this in the morning and I've been thinking about it all day, and I had figured out this big thing to say and then cenobyte said it all for me.

But just in case you missed it, your personality is by far more important than anything that you perceive as lacking in yourself. I don't think you lack anything important, like kindness, love, compassion... you know, the important things.

Suz said...

Thanks so much for all the kind words. I'm so very lucky to have such wonderful friends. I wasn't trying to make myself out to be less important, I was realizing how I fit and how I like how I fit and that I can be me without worrying that I'm going to have someone judge me as being inferior like I used to. I'm happy with who I am and who I've chosen as friends and that those friends have chosen me as well. I'm very happy.

And I slept for a lot of today and that made me happy too. [grin]

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I'm quirky, confident and happy. My friends say I'm generous, warm, reliable, and dependable. My mom, dad, and angel say I'm beautiful. I'm not perfect, but that makes me human.

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