Our immediate reactions to things do not define us. Those are behaviors of which every human on the planet is capable. Even though they seem to happen every g-d time we react at all, those behaviors are not our identity.

The choices we make with respect to those reactions are far more important. Do you squash them? Bend them to your will? Experience them fully? See them as f-d up and don't know what to do?

Prior to recently, my reactions were fueled by incomprehensible anger which was fueled by fear which was a fear of living fully. As I've said before, I am emotional. I took those emotional reactions, or over-reactions if you will, and if I didn't like them, created rules so I didn't have to feel that again. Slowly, my world had become rules upon rules upon more rules. It started somewhere, right? How does one undo all these rules to find oneself?

It does have to be explored - what is the consequence to not following the rules. For me, it was that I was unloveable. Ridiculous and unfathomable to my conscious mind, but deeply seeded in my subconscious. I have seen it every day in my life since finding this nugget of belief in my life. And I am more at peace because I can see it, but it does not rule me anymore. If I don't have a clean house, I am loveable is actually true to me now.

This is the world I'm walking in right now. And I've been kinder to myself in the past weeks than ever before in my life. I have to say that it is a remarkable thing to be truly gentle with oneself.

I feel like I'm waking up.

For the majority of the population, it goes without saying that you love your children dearly.  They are an amazing creation that leaves you shocked and amazed at your own capacity to love.  When Starbuck was born, I kept waiting for that feeling.  I loved her and cared a lot about her, but I didn't feel overwhelmed by these feelings.  For a while, I even questioned myself on how much I loved her and thought that I needed to love her more because something didn't feel right.  I was congratulated on becoming another member of the "having your heart walking around outside yourself" club, but I didn't feel it.  Where was the love?

If you know me, this may seem incredibly odd.  I'm quite sentimental, sappy, gushy, lovey, and especially, emotional.  I thought I should be hearing alarm bells, but I didn't feel alarmed at not feeling the love either.  I just thought it was strange, and though I questioned myself, I did not ever think that I didn't love my baby.  I kept waiting for it.

One night, I decided to let loose and get crazy.  A little bit of this and a little bit of that and I was happy, tipsy, loopy, whatever you want to call it.  To my shock and dismay, however, I couldn't stop crying.  It took me a while as my brain was fuzzy, but I figured out why - it was the love.  I had finally let my guard down and all this love was overwhelming and scary and, quite frankly, too much for little ol' me to deal with.  It was HUGE*.  The biggest feeling I have ever felt in my life and I couldn't even comprehend it all at once.

So now, I just have to know the love is there and keep my guard up.  I'd be a wreck if I felt that love every moment of every day.  I don't know that I could actually function.  I'm practicing being able to feel little bits of that love at my leisure when I have time and the fortitude to withstand its power.

_______________________________________________
* That's what she said.

I've been asked a few times lately about how I'm enjoying my small town. It's been over a year now and the novelty should have worn off by now.

Well, I still think it's where I need to be, where we need to be. There is still a lot less stress in my life because of living in a small town. I need that. I need to be able to keep focused on the important things - my family. I promised Cheruby in my wedding vows that he and our children would always come first. I need to figure out how to do that with minimal distraction so I can do it when there is distraction. In most cases, distraction for me is promising all my time to doing things for others and taking out my frustration on my family because they'll forgive me (see also, depression). Starbuck is most of our world right now and that's how it should be. I still feel pangs of guilt for not being a better friend and making the effort to spend time with the people I care about, but mostly, I know that they're good with where I need to be right now. And if they aren't, it's not my fault (that's huge for me).

I believe it is a great place to start my family. People in the community know who we are and think Starbuck is adorable and will, essentially, look out for us more so than city communities of which I've been a part. I'm looking forward to being able to trust that letting my child play outside by herself won't endanger her life significantly. There's always a possibility, but chances are she will be just fine. I'm pleased that she will have to walk three whole blocks to school and the line up of cars outside the school for picking up kids won't be insane like I've seen in Calgary. I hope it'll be easier to keep her from learning grown up things too quickly, but I'm not set on that. It's just easier to hope for in a small town.

Cheruby and I are also growing as people. We are learning what it means to be part of a community. I love it. When you invest your time and energy and yes, a little money, into your community, you get back all those things and the knowledge that they will be there for you if you ever need ANYTHING. When we forget to take our garbage can to the alley, the garbage man comes to our deck to take it. When we need a truck to haul something, we have had several offers of, "You can use mine whenever you want." When the local art gallery was just getting ready to open, the proprietor tentatively asked for help painting. What she got was a first coat, a second coat, and extensive clean up of the building - probably 80 hours of free labour with a smile. Cheruby was asked to play at the local dance recital and accepted - his violin student played first and then he played a number. The grin on Cheruby's face when he returned was outstanding. Giving of oneself without expectation of reward is easier learned in a community, I think.

A small shout out to rural life for being cheaper than the city although it shouldn't be the major motivation for moving to a small town. There has to be more to it.

The price to be paid for community is that everyone has to know your business. If you have nothing intensely personal to hide, it's no big deal. Coming into a community with a solid marriage and a baby on the way was perfect - no demons hiding in the closets that can be brought to light at anyone in the community's choosing. I have to keep my feelings about new people I've met to myself. New and good skill for me to have learned.

Having said all that, I miss the city. I miss like-minded people. I miss not holding my tongue because someone's going to think I'm too different. I miss being able to go movies, swimming year round, concerts, plays, boardgames, and all kinds of other things, on short notice. Of course, all my time is spent with my beautiful Starbuck these days so I'm just missing the opportunity to do these things. I wouldn't be doing most of them if I lived in the city right now, anyway.

I don't miss having someone break into my house, trying to steal Cheruby's car, breaking the windows in his car, breaking into my garage and stealing our bikes, being threatened with a $10,000 fine for not having eaves troughs, and rush hour traffic.

I have a 22.5 minute drive to work and it's predictable and easy and gloriously quiet if I want it to be. I get to see sunrises and sunsets and stars and wildlife all the time unhampered by tall buildings and city lights. The people at the store and at the post office and at the bank and at the insurance place and the art gallery know who we are.

I saw a little boy on a riding lawn mower pulling a small trailer with two friends and some garbage to the dump on their own. I like that. I will never see that in the city.

In the end, it's all about us - especially her.

It is a time of year when reflection on the past is paramount. We get in touch with people that we maybe feel we've neglected, we find sentiment in the Christmas decorations box, and we are filled with hope for the future. At least, these are the good traits of Christmas. The memories can't all be good and the outlook for the future may seem bleak for some. It's all a part of life.

This year is particularly special because I have been blessed in the past year with the courage to make some big changes in my life. I am a happier person and this is no small part to the support of my wonderful husband, Cheruby, and my parents as always and all those people I would call friends. The wealth of wonderful people I have as part of my life cannot be compared to any amount of money. I have become richer this year with less money because I have been able to slow down and enjoy the fortune I have in the people I've met over the years. I don't think there's a way to show everyone (yes, including you) how much I appreciate every smile you have brought to my face just by being you.

The happiness to hear joy and peace in a friend's voice or see a picture where the glow of feeling good is unmistakable - those are the best gift in the world. Being allowed to be a friend and help make someone feel valued and special is a very close second, but it's a privilege that has to be accepted with respect and honour. Thank you for letting me be your friend.

This could go on for weeks, this waiting. I might just go a little crazy with the waiting, but it's doing the house a lot of good. It's never been this organized or clean. I could still be at it for weeks without much trouble, I'm sure.

The baby's room and stuff is all organized and catalogued where it came from so I can properly thank all the extremely generous people in my life. The laundry is all done including all the blankets and sheets and towels and everything that's been waiting to be washed since we moved. The bags for the hospital are mostly packed - still can't find my ducky slippers. The car is vacuumed and the car seat installed, albeit we have no idea whether it's done properly. The Christmas tree is up and makes the house smell fabulous. I've made myself a few blankets and baby things which made my Cheruby grin from ear to ear.

And some of the things that are still swimming in my mind to do:

• organize my office
• organize the basement
• hang up the remaining plants
• make roman shades for all the windows
• decorate the Christmas tree
• wrap presents
• take pictures of the house for those who haven't seen it yet and post them
• put together our family/friend pictures for display in the living room
• organize all the music on my computer in anticipation of a new iPod
• consolidate all my contact information for people I know into one list
• play Indiana Jones Lego on the Wii (so been neglecting this one)
• enjoy these last days of being pregnant - I do so love my pregnant belly
• bake some Christmas cookies which is harder to do when I don't want to eat them

The lady at the post office said that it wouldn't be time until I was jumping off the furniture to clean the ceilings. That's not on the list yet so it may still be a few weeks. I think December is a good time for the waiting game - so much to do.

There is hoarfrost on the trees this morning and it's supposed to be zero degrees today. There are little things every day that are worth noticing.

I read a blog post today and it was beautiful. It was filled with hope and being completely embraced by moments in time. I'm glad he took the time to write it down and share with the rest of us. A small thank you to you. It reminded me of the small moment this morning when I first saw the blanket of white outside the window. I felt joy in spite of myself as my recent nights and days have not be great.

I shared that moment of happiness with my Cheruby later which eased his heart a little. I'm very glad I could give that to him before we are separated for five days.

Having moments of beauty happen all the time around us. Noticing and remembering those moments are keys to my happiness.

While my world is constantly changing because of this baby inside, I am trying to experience as much as possible before the big event.

I've had my fab mother-in-law visit us quite a bit.  She gave me a big thank you and a compliment - she felt comfortable here.  That's probably the best thing she could have said to me.  She's so funny and I love having her around.  I've learned a lot about her life and it's been awesome.  I have so much respect for her and still don't want to disappoint her in some way.  It's getting easier to be myself, but understanding her better makes my fear of disappointment lessen.

My last gaming trip was last month. It was a short trip, but oh so wonderful. I really enjoyed the game. I'm afraid that I really do suck at rules for LARPs and at being manipulative and conniving and deliberately trying to screw people over, but I love the role-playing. I love putting myself in another person's skin. My character being pregnant was good for me to work out some fear of losing my baby. I dealt with it when my character accepted it. And there were a few people who were kind of sick for the last game and didn't come because they didn't want to make me sick. I REALLY appreciated that. I have been trying so hard to get sick.

And I made some huge decisions about my business that felt great. I have decided against the usual strategy in favour of one that I'm comfortable with. I don't want to lose any of my friends over it and am not going to risk them anymore. I will not be afraid to talk to my friends because I feel like I should be pushing my business with them. As well as some great meetings with the bank and lots of support from Cheruby and my upline, I'm feeling so pumped about it. Every day is as great as I make it. And today, there was lots of sleeping with the cats, bologna sandwiches, and watching Avatar. Forty-nine days until these days are past and I'm going to enjoy every moment I can. I will be able to enjoy the days after that in a completely new way.

I've been making more time for friends too. Friends are so important to me and yet, I haven't been making enough time for them. I know it's allowed when life is busy with other things, but just spending time with people for the sake of enjoying their company is awesome. I got to see friends that I haven't seen in over two years in the past month or so. It's been so wonderful and makes for more peace in me.

Lots of travel planned in the next couple weeks - seeing more people that I won't get to see for a while. Very much looking forward to December.

A few years ago, my mom took me to see Leonard Cohen in concert. She was over the moon about going and I was primarily going with her because I wanted to watch her during the show. I had no real vested interest in seeing Leonard. I had a version of him singing "Closing Time" which was, at that tempo, a 7 minute song so I was usually bored of the song before it was done. Suffice to say, I had very low expectations of the concert itself. And definitely not prepared for the experience.

I remember being a bit awestruck. I didn't end up watching mom that much because I was so enjoying the show. His voice, the adoration from the crowd, the music, the poetry. It was so much more than I had hoped for.

Today, I went through the CDs in the car because I was sick of the radio ads. And there was the Leonard Cohen Live In London CD I got after the concert. I was in the perfect mood for it. There wasn't a lot of ad-lib to the banter (the same in London as in Saskatoon) in between songs, but I enjoyed that too. I found myself smiling and having the same reactions I had sitting in my seat at the concert.

In the midst of my enjoying the memories and the music, this line struck me.
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
I remember it striking me that night too, but not nearly as strongly as I did today. There's so much truth in that. I searched through the different meanings it could have, and there were a few and all of them applied to me. I'm always looking for ways to remember that it's okay to not be my idea of perfect. This covered them all and in a particularly beautiful way. I want to remember this everyday. To remember it when I'm fighting with myself and others. To remember it when I have set expectations of myself. To remember it when I think I'm a horrible mom. This line gives me so much hope in myself for who I can and want to be.

I had moments through out the CDs that made me reflect on my relationships with my friends, my mom, and repeatedly, my husband. He recites a poem that almost every time I hear it, I cry. As all his songs are poetry. He sometimes sings "A Thousand Kisses Deep", but I do love his recitation from the concert. I love how the crowd stops all their noise by the end of the third verse to just listen. It's so moving.

Thanks to Leonard for making my drive today a little less lonely and making me feel so much hope.

I recently had the incredible experience of being with one of my best friends during her first fashion show. Watching someone you've known forever get one giant step closer to their dream is inspiring and humbling and utterly wonderful.

Fashion is weird. Some designers don't mean for their clothes to be worn, I think. Why else would they design this?  Yes, it was inspired by fencing which I think it cool, but utterly unwearable.  And then there was the skirts out of window screen mesh which looked like one of those old plastic lampshades with the perma-ruffle in hard plastic.  Maybe it's just not for me.

I don't want to be mean because this creation is also part of someone's dream.  My eyes were bugging out of my head with incredulity at some of the garments coming down the runway.  Why does some fashion have to be on the wrong side of funky?  Couldn't there be a little more thought put into each piece to make it wearable AND inspired by fencing?  Again, maybe that's just me.  I don't really know how to make art without making it functional art.

My fashion includes comfort by well-fitted clothes that flatter with a bit of flare.  And I don't mean pin on buttons with cute sayings.

Eeeep! My lovely (I really mean that - I love her) mother-in-law took Cheruby and I shopping today for baby stuff. I haven't been letting myself buy anything so it was really hard for me to actually keep stuff in hand, but it was so terribly exciting and everything is so cute!

We did get a travel system with a stroller and a car seat which fits in the stroller. I think it's awesome. I had just planned on a car seat for now and not the stroller until spring, but I'm not one to say no to a gift that I had secretly wanted, but didn't think we could get just yet. I also wanted to check out carriers and slings to see what's around.  I've been researching them a lot and there are soo many. Good advice from the doula today was to wait until we have the baby and then go around and try them on. We laughed today about the store needing to have babies around for trying them on. I said I wasn't sure since everyone's preference is personal, but she said that it's not only Cheruby and me that need to make the decision, but baby is going to have a say as well.

Noooooooooooo...

We also got some really cute outfits with strange looking giraffes and other aminals on them. Cheruby was objecting to the giraffes, but I really like them. I like hippopotamuses and giraffes and ducks, not necessarily in that order. I also really like purple things and green (sagey) things for the baby. And I HATE pale pastel coloured things. Why would people want to make their children look like someone vomited cotton candy allover them? Get me some skull baby clothes any day.  Did I mention the reversible little shoes with either angel mice or devil mice on them?  I loves thems.  Yes, that is light pink.  Hush.  :)

Cheruby announced to his mom today, as we were trying out different carriers, that I was having a baby. It was really cute.

And cribs are only $100 at IKEA! I was so happy to see this. I don't need to spend a lot of money on sleeping arrangements that my child(ren) will not remember. It seems so pointless, even though the expensive ones are quite pretty.

Third trimester starts on Sunday and the pressure is building. I can still see my waist although it's a completely different shape. Of course, I have to be wearing a shirt that doesn't stretch across the front of my boobs obscuring everything below from view. I really can't eat much because there is no room, but sooo hungry and grumpy if I can't eat.

And we had our first meeting with our doula today and just talked about babies and stuff and thoughts about birth and how things are going. She's very cute and the conversation today was much more relaxed than our first meeting. I enjoyed it a lot more and feel reassured in our decision to hire her. She brought up some very good points that I really appreciated and wouldn't have thought of. I felt good getting it off my chest that she was like a wedding planner for me. I had a fabulous wedding day because I wasn't stressed out about the details. Someone else was in charge of that. She's not specifically planning my birth, but listening to what I want and giving me ideas on what Cheruby and I might want. She's going to be in control of the details so that I can concentrate on what it's all about for me that day - giving birth. And she's going to be a trusted source of information for me so that I know I'm getting all the options given whatever circumstances come up - good or bad. She likes to micromanage. In this case, I'm not only comfortable with that, but happy with it. We joked about me changing my mind when push comes to shove and she's willing to take the birth plan and throw it away if it's not working for us. I was a little nervous about that given one other story I heard. AND we tried to figure out how to sneak one of our kitties into the hospital to help be in a relaxed state. LOL  I'd like to have one of these extravagant rooms, but I think that might be over the top.  Heh.

Cheruby and I also came a lot closer to making a decision about our wills and our child(ren). It was a long, but exciting, fruitful day.

And on top of all this joyfulness, Cheruby felt the little one move for the first time last night.  I think it was punching because of where the movement was on my belly.  So frakkin' thrilled!

Today, I'm very, very happy with my choices.

One year of marriage. I have become more in love with my husband than ever. And he has said the same to me. While we did not dress up like zombies, we did behave like geeks. Board games with friends, Cheruby's fantastic stew (potatoes, carrots, peas from his garden), and a little bit of BSG. It was a totally wonderful day even though we were both in very peculiar moods.

In the past year, we have started a business, got a dog, sold a house, become debt free, been without a home for a month, bought a house in a village, moved, decided to have a baby and become pregnant. I didn't realize until just now how busy we've been. It explains a lot about why I don't feel as connected to my friends as I did before, but I spend every day with my best friend.

And still, the wedding feels like yesterday. It was such a wonderful day! Even the part where I said, "WHAT?!?!" during the ceremony. I'm glad I could just laugh at how silly I was, being so focused on trying to remember my vows.

I think we've been celebrating our marriage every day. Maybe that's why we didn't need to make yesterday a special celebration. We take time to tell each other the important things and have learned things about each other and ourselves in the past year. We've been able to spend so much time, just the two of us, that it didn't need to be that way on our anniversary. I'm sure that will change in the years to come, but this year was the way it was and I'm very grateful for it.

My mom was right, I am no longer in control. And I will not be in control ever again in my life. LOL

I was supposed to go on a trip yesterday, but Cheruby and I decided that I was in no shape to go anywhere so I must sleep. So I did.

Then I was supposed to go today, but logistics being what they are, it is better for me to go tomorrow. So I wait another day.

All the while, the quickening has been going on and feeling oh, so very strange.

Back at the ranch, things are great. We had a heated discussion about whether boobs are inherently sexy. I think our difference comes down to "inherently" and "sexy" definitions being off more than anything else. In the end, we understood each other. I think it was the first heated discussion we've ever had where I didn't end up getting emotionally involved which was bizarre in itself.

Did I mention that one of my best friends has a fashion show in September? I'm so happy for her. She's giddy and I'm ecstatic for her. This is her dream and here it comes. I've always taken her my sewing projects because I knew I didn't have time and from her being so excited about sewing something cool, she has actually started getting more commissions. She's making her dreams come true and I got some cool clothes. I don't think I can afford her anymore though. ::wink::

Life is truly what you make of it. Don't wait for change to happen - make it happen. We are the most powerful force in our own lives.

Well how about that, I saw my daughter today for the first time. The technician was 80% sure that's what the baby is.

I was almost overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement before the ultrasound. I didn't know what to expect, but knew that this was the first opportunity for us to see that our baby was normal or not. Worried about the latter, but trusting it would be the former. I was a ball of emotions waiting to burst.

We started out with Cheruby making some jokes and making me laugh and jiggle. That screwed up the ultrasound picture every time, but the tech was awesome and just went with it. She was great. Cheruby said, "Hey, it's got my femur!" That made the tech chuckle as she hadn't heard that one before. Throughout the whole routine, he was making jokes and we were both fascinated with the screen and watching every image and movement.

It took Cheruby a while to realize that he was seeing the baby move quite a bit. I figured out only a little bit sooner only because I knew when I was moving and when the tech was moving, leaving the only other option for movement on the screen to be baby. What a wonderful experience.

We got to see her feet and her kidneys and her little nose and her little lips. The spine was always alienesque whenever she moved by it. H.R. Giger had definitely seen an ultrasound of an unborn child. Like every other ultrasound, we have a very cute alien.

I hear a little bit of high pitched alien squealing with this image.

As my mother-in-law said, "I love her already."

To start, I haven't had that much fun LARPing in a long time. I finished the last of the hand sewing on my under dress in the car. I didn't even get started on the outer layer, but that's a project for this month before the next game. I also figured that the dress was mostly done, but didn't really have any definition anywhere so I made a chainmaille belt that had a long dangly bit in the front as was the fashion in medieval times. I hope that I get to see the pictures The Whole Show took soon. I also managed to do my hair in the car.

While the theme of the game is faeries, the costuming was all over the place. I am definitely in the group that wants power. And as such, I went with traditional medieval style dress. There were a few others, but there were some that were definitely not. Like a real cutie in red underwear and a long mesh dress. And I'm not talking subtle mesh. What an ass! ::insert knuckle biting here:: I liked the amount of PVC and the Boots. The Boots were definitely another drool factor.

All in all, I think the game went very well. Roleplaying in this particular system is so easy because you don't have to really break character to do a challenge. Unless you are a noob like me who had to read the rules through when doing a challenge with another rules noob. We still had a lot of fun. I failed at my original goal, but the intent of that goal (to gain more holdings) was met in another fashion. YAY! And now, I have another worthy goal. All in all, it's a ton of fun to make people think you are something you're not.

I have a lot more planning and thinking to do before the next game. It's very unfortunate for the storyteller that I really don't care about the dead character whose murder we are supposed to be trying to solve. I think my character is happier now that she's dead more than anyone, but no one else needs to know that. Of course, I don't think anyone should trust a "nice" sidhe.

The first thing I craved in this pregnancy was music. I typically listen to my bubblegum station, but it made me nauseated. I followed my instincts immediately because no one likes feeling nauseated, and flipped through the dial. Relief swept over me as I heard some Tea Party. I had found the city's "source for new rock, the best of the 90's, along with the biggest classic rock". Yep, those are the sounds of relief and relaxation for a pregnant me. Go figure.

Music is very personal subject for my Cheruby. He hates pop music and cherishes his classical (and most other styles). He cringes when I call everything classical, but I don't know any better. And maybe it's kind of fun for me to push that button of his. :D He is impressed when he can tell that the music takes some talent to produce. The musically uneducated masses don't really have that criterion. We listen and pick music we like because it's pleasant or makes us feel a certain way or annoys our parents.

I believe I've mentioned my emotional filter previously and music is no exception. Cheruby would really love it if I would learn to love his classical music, but we don't know where to start. Most of it is boring to me (elicits no emotional response), some of it is perfectly awful (my shoulders tense within seconds and give me a headache within a minute), and a rare piece is glorious (fills me with whirling emotions that I get to figure out and enjoy). I truly love being able to describe my emotions and create similes and metaphors about where the music has taken me. Unfortunately, my emotional response to music rarely coincides with the technical expertise it takes to create that music.

The best part about musical craving is that I know the part that music plays in our lives will just get bigger. Now, to find someone who will tune the whole piano and not just two octaves around middle C.

I love looking at my new blog. It makes me quite happy and I know I still have some stuff to figure out with the layout.

Right now, I have Echo and Lazarus sleeping on the bed next to me while I write. There is some delectable chocolate chip banana bread for snacking and a Delirium Tremens glass filled with cream soda to quench my thirst. It is a moment of perfection.

The best thing that pregnancy has given me is forgiveness for little mistakes. Part of my on-going battle with depression is the little mistakes that I make that no one but me cares about. When left alone to think and be alone in my head, these are the clubs with which I beat myself. Time and again the odd person, who typically doesn't know me well, will say that I need to be kinder to myself. The look of concern they give me tells me that they know my secret. The anger at myself for making mistakes that fuels the beatings, can also be turned outward at those I love and care for. It turns outward when there is so much that I can't even think about how much I loathe my mistakes and I have to prove to myself that others aren't perfect either. I pick on them. Which is a self-fulfilling act of making mistakes which makes me angry with myself which turns outwards.

Without trying and without asking, the baby inside me has given me a reason to be forgiven for all those little mistakes. I am truly happier being me than I ever have been in my life. I'm not saying it has stopped entirely because that would be wishful thinking. And how do I stop doing something that I have been doing for the past 34 years?

I am still on my medication and I'm still actively working on staying this mentally healthy and not taking it for granted. I appreciate that this amnesty has occurred. It has brought me peace in so many ways.

My husband said to me today, "I'm glad I married you." I'm glad I married him too.

Yes, this is still me, the fabulous Suz. I just felt like a change to the look of my personal space on the interweb. I've been stagnant for a while, at least online, and the furniture is too heavy to move for me now.

Big weekend of Twilight Imperium. We have guests from Calgary and some from Saskatoon. It's going to be a great weekend!

The world is a full and amazing place.

Today, I confronted feelings of fear, sadness, and inadequacy about my knowledge of what I need to know to have a birth that I celebrate rather than survive. How did the confrontation go? I cried myself to sleep and waited for the hormonal imbalance to pass - for the WIN! It was a pretty decent afternoon nap.

I should also say that I asked friends for help and guidance, emailed knowledgeable experts for more information and had my husband relay to me his abstract expectation for labour and delivery. He thinks that he's going to be bored. ::grin:: I didn't bother to contradict him because how would I rightly know? I haven't done this before either.

I've also been sewing a costume and making plans to make some receiving blankets and roman blinds for the windows to help keep the cold out in the winter.

Business is going well, but I welcome any chance to talk about it that I can. I hate being pushy so it might take me a while to bring it up.

The furry kids are doing well.

We are 85% unpacked and 20% disorganized. Still can't find one of the leg bolts for one of our tables.

Cheruby and I finished quite a few of our co-op video games, watched the complete LOST series, and I finally have him watching Doctor Who. After that, we move onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer. YAY! Any suggestions for new series we should watch?

We took a family vacation on a houseboat for 7 days with my parents, brother and his kids. I hadn't slept for a couple nights before we left so the trip had a tremulous start, other than the constant rocking motion. We felt that rocking motion for a couple days after we got home and were laying down to sleep - quite surreal. I even have pictures and will show them to you!

Cheruby, unfortunately, lost his wedding band in Tobin Lake. He was swimming and the waves were kind of big cuz there was lots of wind. Apparently, the coolness of the lake shrunk his finger enough for the ring to just slip right off. He felt it fall. With the not great weather, which lasted pretty much all night, the lake bottom had to have claimed its prize. That didn't stop him from trying to find for many hours. It had never even threatened to fall off before so it was completely unexpected. A reward has been offered on Nipawin's Kijiji site. Anyone got a good metal detector?

The kids were taught many new games like poker, black jack, liar's dice, and Small World. You might have noticed some heavy Red Dead Redemption influence there. Cheruby was doing most of the teaching. We all lazed about and did crafts or word puzzles or sudoku. Cheruby fell asleep in the sunshine on the top deck, had his face stuck to the vinyl and kind of burnt it a little from that. It's peeling now. Heh. And speaking of peeling, my mom accidentally flashed Cheruby with the new boob that used to be back flesh. Mom and I can't giggle enough over this while Cheruby just doesn't really know what to think because he had no idea what he saw. Next year, we're getting a newer boat with a hot tub and a slide into the lake - WOOT!

Cheruby's mom came to visit us for a bit and that was awesome. She was headed out to Vancouver then and will be back in September. She's so delightful and loved. I was struck by the oddity that was one of her going away parties at Amigo's - Cheruby's ex and her parents were there. Not even weird anymore, just one of those things that reinforces how special Cheruby's mom is to lots of people.

I had a fabulous trip to Calgary where I stayed with a dear friend. I felt that it was a really good visit. The first relaxed good visit we'd had in a very long time. It was overdue. So many wonderful people that I miss in Calgary and didn't have time to see due to the sleep day I took. Driving and peopling can be quite tiring.

There was an in and out trip to Edmonton for my auntie Cool's birthday. She's very wonderful and Cheruby had yet to meet the majority of my mom's family (being the youngest of 12 kids, that's a pretty easy feat). So with a compromise on my part, he was wrangled into coming. I enjoyed seeing everyone although I was feeling wretchedly ill so I wasn't a great conversationalist and wish I could have visited more. We also got to witness a great display of talent on the part of neuba's little one and his aim at his daddy. LOL That was at the end of May and feels like yesterday.

I keep thinking that I have more time before the baby gets here, but it's flying by in leaps and bounds. With the house being mostly unpacked, I'll be taking more pictures for dear TUO who really shouldn't visit in the winter - summer months and good days only so that we can sit on the lovely covered patio with beer. Next year, I can have beer. I miss it some days. Please everyone, have a drink for me when you are especially enjoying what you are drinking!

And that really can't be all, and probably isn't. I hope to see more of you sooner rather than later. I really do enjoy having a quiet life in the sticks.

Oh and one more thing - Cheruby is being published!!! One of his short stories was accepted with some glowing praise for his style. The magazine is called Dark Recesses and is mostly online, but you can get printed copies from Amazon.

Many years ago, I gave up on a friendship because I could not separate my need to fix my friend from actually being a friend. I gave so much of myself that I didn't know what was left anymore. I stopped calling and emailing. Unfortunately, I did not have the guts to tell my friend why which was very bad and not respectful of me. That decision and its consequences have stayed with me. At the time, it was the best choice I could make with the information I had and being too young to realize that I was not the centre of the universe.

Now, I'm in the other shoes with the difference being that I was told why. We were the best of friends. Movies, Coke, and Smarties until I was too wired to sleep for days with the partner in crime lolling off to dreamland at will. Baking soda biscuits being shipped across the country. Laughter, finishing each others' thoughts, telepathy only being broken once in a blue moon, crossword puzzles on the grass (on fabulous blankets, of course), drives with the car choosing the path, and so many other great times. Then I moved. When I moved back, I had expectations of myself that things would be just like they were - Saskatoon would be exactly as I left it and it would fit the same. It didn't. Change happened. The friendship was good, but different. I wanted to be perfect and couldn't. That's always a bad place to be so I took* from anyone who would give. I was awful to those I loved most and put on an exhausting show for everyone else that I could only keep up a quarter the time if that. Depression was hard to admit because it felt like failure. When I finally did realize how far down I was, it was too late. I'd taken too much. I was the one in need of fixing as I had thought of my other friend all those years before. The same choice has been made again because one can only give so much before there's nothing left.

It has been difficult to make peace with my friend's choice, but I hope I get it now. I can't be sure and that's harder, I think. I cannot change the past and I did the best I could at the time. I am sorry that someone I care about and who cared about me enough to give too much was caused so much distress. I do wish things could have been different, but they aren't. Another great friendship has dwindled, but is certainly worthy of Valinor.

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*I don't know how to define what I took.

So, this is pregnancy. Waking up at 5 hours of sleep to NEED to do something. Doing something and then sleeping for another 5 hours. Rambling thoughts that go everywhere, but when I try to remember where I've been, it's blank. No complete awareness of what's going on around me no matter how hard I concentrate at times. I don't trust myself driving. My memory is a sieve and I'm so not used to it - any of it. It consumed most of my waking thoughts - am I getting enough vitamins? have I already done irreversible damage? is it a boy or a girl? am I going to be strong enough when I need to be? will I remember the pain? will I resent my baby for the loss of time for me? can I trust myself?