This year, Cheruby and I spent the evening with Cheruby's mom who is recovering from knee surgery (yes, despite what the Sask Party has to say, people in Saskatchewan are getting surgery they need) and needed someone to answer the door for her. We watched a bunch of Gilmore Girls, ate Chinese food from Saigon Rose, and gave candy to kids.

I like dressing up in costumes which is best thing about Halloween. The candy is okay and the kids in costumes are okay and the horror movies are awful. But I like my costumes. And It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is good too. I don't like the barking dogs and constantly being interrupted to answer the door. Oh, and I really like that the stores are now allowed to have Christmas stuff. YAY! Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

Cheruby and I are staying in Saskatoon again this year. I don't think I'm going to get to see my brother and his family this year either. That's okay though. They are moving closer soon and I will get to see them for Easter and regular weekends too. I'm still very excited about that.

I keep thinking about all the things I want to get done and even now, I realize that there's no way it'll all get down. However, I know that I'm going to enjoy every moment along the way and make no promises. Cheruby and I have been listening to Christmas music already and it makes me happy.

*Unrelated Note*
"I think so Brain, but 'Tuesday Weld,' isn't a complete sentence."

Yep, this is still Suz. Yep, I'm getting riled up about politics right now. Saskatchewan is in a story state if all we have to choose from is Brad Wall, David Karwacki, and Lorne Calvert. I hate politics.

I spent most of the debate tonight on the TV yelling at the television and not listening to all the inane things they were saying. The gist of it was that Calvert kept his experienced cool and Karwacki was over the top and Wall didn't commit to a thing.

And what the hell is wrong with people in my neighbourhood?!? Every day there are new political signs up and about. And the very next day, those same signs are destroyed. It's pathetic. And the worst part is that it probably is just some kids being destruction rather than someone who has strong political feelings one way or another.

Then I started ranting about the apathy regarding the election. If you are going to whine at all about the government and state of the health care in this province then you better damn well have voted. Grrr...

SO VOTE NEXT WEDNESDAY!!!!

Cheruby and I just got home from a games night at the office. It was awesome. We played Hoopla first. Nobody was quite as excited to play as me. I haven't played since that first time at a party hosted by friends. TB did soundstage for Lance Armstrong and it took TUO less than 5 seconds to guess it. Craziness. I had so much fun that I bought the game for myself. Tonight was its premiere showing and I've owned it for years. More craziness. I was so excited that I convinced someone to play. Of course, everyone just wanted to get cloodle to draw their card. So then we played Pictionary which everyone enjoyed immensely. Especially me cuz my team won over Cheruby's team. HA!! [GRIN]

Cheruby, who loves games, didn't really want to go though. He had Darren from Dragon's Den call him as soon as the new StarCraft board game came in. He was so excited and we stopped there at lunch time today so he could pick it up. He couldn't even wait until we got home to open the box and it barely fit in the car!

Cheruby spent a bit of time with his mom this week because she just had surgery on her knees. She is making a really good recovery though and was already walking today a little bit without any crutches. Seasons of Gilmore Girls and Curb Your Enthusiasm have been her friends.

I haven't a brain to talk about anything more exciting than this today.

I'm stuck in the basement. Well, not literally. I'm sitting on the couch watching the boob tube and my kitten chasing a fly. But I have to re-move into my basement because of all the work that was done. We pretty much had to pile most of the stuff in the basement into one corner so the guys could work. And there is a new bit that doesn't allow the bookshelf back to its former position which meant I had to make changes. I found that the bookshelf works fairly well next to the futon. I cleaned up lots of little things and put most of the books back on the shelf. I have one green garbage bag of crap and another of stuff to give away or sell. But now, I have to go through all the stuff in my craft corner. I have no idea what I want it to look like and where everything should go so I'm stuck.

I really need to loosen up, but how much is too much? Am I still myself if I become less anal? I keep thinking that loosening up will make me less considerate through not paying attention to the details. When I had my little helpers, I don't recall being less considerate, just more relaxed. Hmmm... Maybe there is some room to relax there. And maybe a little forgiveness for myself if I don't meet my very high expectations. As Drang might be able to attest (he's way more relaxed and has probably already forgotten,) I feel way too bad and apologize way too much for silly little things like not showing showing up for a game and only phoning a hour or two before hand when I could have called much earlier. Great example of way too intense about little things. Any tips anyone has for me to help me out would be great. The difference is me being in control of my feelings or my feelings controlling me.

I really need to keep a notepad with me so that I can remember all the different things I think about blogging about other than my normal everyday life as exciting as that may be. [grin]

I don't remember the last time I had Froot Loops. I have wanted to enjoy a bowl of cereal for a long time and haven't found any at the store that I wanted and that was on sale. So today, there was Froot Loops.

I put some in a bowl as soon as I got home from the store. The milk came out of the fridge and splashed into the bowl. The already vivid colours brightened in the milk and became even more desirable if that's possible. Oh, sweet crunchy O's, how I've missed you!

The first bite was beautiful, more than I expected. A lovely surprise that they tasted so good, so sweet, so yummy and delicious. I had convinced myself they were awful, but not so. I loved those first bites with a pure heart. And then, as I ate more, they became less crunchy and I could squish the flavour out of them rather than crunch it out. The key to every good meal is it changes in subtle ways throughout to keep providing delicious new surprises for your taste buds. I can't think of anything better than Froot Loops!

Alternate version:
Froot Loops and their very long list of different sugars and food colourings are only desirable as a comfort food. They made me happy like a little kid and wrecked the roof of my mouth. Honestly, I'm glad that I didn't have them for a long time - kind of disgusting. [grin]

Usually, Friday nights are a dud for me. Typically, Cheruby leaves in the afternoon not to return home until the wee hours of the morning, the majority of people I'd call to hang out with have a usual Friday night game, and I'm too tired to make the effort with less well known friends.

So why tonight, the night I asked Cheruby to stay home, do I get three other invitations to go out?

Three cats say, "Lunacy has struck. Don't try to be rational."

When someone says they are going to do something for me, I like to be able to rely on them. Especially if it's someone I trust.

If it's not done, I am crushed - exceptionally disappointed but don't necessarily feel the right to be that disappointed (or disappointed at all) and feel guilty for having the expectation to begin with because that's what lead to the disappointment. I have in the past tried to convince myself that I shouldn't have expectations at all of certain people so eventually, I stop asking for help. Then I get so stressed with everything I'm worrying about that I'm crabby and miserable most of the time.

But why should it matter so much? Why should it matter that someone said they'd do a small thing for me and bailed for some good reason at the last moment? It shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like I've never let someone down in the 11th hour even though it is a point of pride for me that I'm seen as dependable. I'm not perfect in this regard so why do I expect it from others?

How do I find the middle ground between expectation and disappointment? How do I find a way to lean on others but not be let down when things don't happen the way I planned? It's a hard balance that I have yet to find. I'm not going to quit looking, but right now, it seems that there is no end in sight for this particular struggle, no nirvana. The best that can be done is forget about the whole matter and be happy in the moments without expectation or disappointment.

There are some in this world who do not need or want a fireplace. Those people don't ever, or hardly ever, get snow on the ground. Those people don't know what they're missing.

Top ten reasons I love my new gas fireplace:

1. I can create fire with the touch of a button instead of hopefully setting up the pyre properly so it lights a fire the first time.
2. The cats are so happy and compliant and floppy when it is on. In fact, Smeagol is waiting for the fire to light right now.
3. I don't have to worry about burning down my house because of a faulty chimney.
4. It's a touch of button to go to bed instead of planning when to put the last log on the fire.
5. The new fireplace looks really pretty and opens up the living room even though there is no actual new floor space.
6. Cleaning all the wood out of the garage to create a lot more space.
   
7. I don't have to sweet talk my dad into chopping firewood and making kindling for me.
8. The chimneys don't have to be replaced. Mason work is expensive.
   
9. There aren't ashes everywhere when I'm trying to clean it, add more wood, or make a new fire.
10. It gives off more heat than the wood fireplace and it's a constant amount.
    

But I still miss the smell of the wood and the sound of crackles and pops as it burns.

Being at a memorial for someone that I didn't know is surreal. I, being on the emotional end of the spectrum, felt the sadness and grief of everyone in the room. I wanted to cry along with them, hug them, say comforting things. But I didn't know her. I feel like I didn't have the right to be sad or cry. Who the hell am I to even attempt to share in a pain I don't feel.

I didn't know the mother, wife, friend, daughter who spent the past 5 years dying of cancer. I didn't know the mother whose daughter said she was better than ice cream and the best friend that anyone could have. I didn't know the friend who witnessed all of big events of her friends and could always be counted on for counsel. I didn't know the wife that left behind a husband who has now lost his third wife although the first two are still living.

The other things I learned about this woman are that she liked to give her opinion. She never judged, just welcomed and accepted. She cared. "I'm disappointed in you," was more hurtful than, "You're grounded." She dreamed of traveling. She dreamed of being free. And most of all, she now is.

I googled her and found that she holds a triathlon record and wrote a significant report for the provincial government on education.

The whole thing is very relaxed, but I think it makes it worse because everyone here is family or a close friend. I am here in support of Cheruby and his dad who is the husband.

I am shocked at the number of people here who smoke. She died of lung cancer.

I've accepted a position as the president of the Saskatoon unit volunteer board for the Canadian Cancer Society. I'm a little nervous.

I guess the sauciness comes and goes. Today - definitely more saucy, but still sparkling.

Polls are funny things in that they don't actually mean anything. I didn't lie exactly, but I didn't bother to think of my truthful answers. I just gave the first answers that came to mind. My mind kept running around the questions with more questions like, "No one on a provincial level of government is going to do anything about my community issues - that's for the municipal government to address, isn't it?" and "Why are you asking me that question?" Of course, I then got my answer. The poll was being administered or at least paid for by the Saskatchewan Party. The questions were a little leading like calling attention to the great retiree benefits for provincial government employees or something like that. They were asking if I'd heard of it. Well, yes, but do you want my opinion about it? Nope, they didn't. If they expect me to be naive enough to think that another party won't try to set themselves up, they're the ones that are being naive.

So, this poll will be slightly skewed because of my answers. And that pleases me a little.

Oh, and I've replaced the lamp. Not with the same model because, of course, 6 weeks later they don't sell that model anymore. That's okay, I like this one quite a bit too even though it doesn't have the cool light in the base and doesn't have that golden glass shade that softened the light so nicely. It does have shelves built in underneath which does please me greatly. More room on the mantle for Christmas cards. ;)

I'm really not feeling Saucy lately. It just doesn't feel right. So, I've become Sparkling. I think it works. Of course, you might have some other suggestion that I find better.

In other news, cats are bad. They wrecked our new floor lamp that made Cheruby very happy. And they didn't even apologize. Jerks.

I feel like my vacation took this time. Now that I'm mostly recovered from the sick I got from Bne, I noticed that I am actually way more relaxed than I've felt in months.

The library visit last Thursday was AWESOME!! I got a library card and all kinds of literature that I read when I couldn't sleep on Friday night. I got some CDs and looked at Henderson's Directories way back to the beginning of when my house was listed and found all the recorded owners to the present day. I also got a book on exploring Ireland to help me dream.

Anyway, the library seems to be in need of more space - almost double to be more precise. They're thinking of taking over 23rd St. for the renovations and expansions. I personally think that this is a good idea. They have yet to do a feasibility study, but I'm hoping everything goes well this time. Apparently, they've been trying to get more space since the 80s. That's too long. I'd been planning to go to an open house on Thursday, but plans have changed and I'll be out of town.

We had company all weekend and I got to see J-bra and AJ more this weekend than I have in weeks. I thoroughly loved it. Although, I was quite sick so I wanted to sleep a lot and did. Sunday afternoon found us spending time with good friends and playing games. I really enjoyed it.

Then I got to see my folks on Friday night. Dad finished putting rain gutters on the garage which is good. It's done. I have just a few things to get done in the basement. I need to glue the carpet down in a few spots where I had to rip it up for renovations. I also need to insulate the small space between the top of the basement wall and the main floor. And do some caulking around some of the windows in the house. Not really a big deal, just needs to get done. And if I can get that stuff done this winter, I can concentrate on yardwork next year and not worry too much about the house. I'm really looking forward to that.

The guys were here today working on the house - replacing furnace and water heater, installing an air conditioner and converting my wood fireplace to a gas fireplace. I'm totally looking forward to having it done. There were a few issues today, but the guys were totally professional and accommodating and found solutions of which I approved. I don't expect perfection, I just want a professional attitude and all the options to given to me so I can make an informed decision. I don't want to be snowed or taken advantage of or to get less than what I'm expecting. So far they've been great. Two more days for them to prove themselves. They didn't quite finish the furnace today, but that gave them time to set up a lot of the bits of things that they have to do tomorrow. I think they'll do great.

So I have no furnace tonight and no Cheruby to keep me warm either. He's in La Ronge with his dad whose partner just passed away. Cheruby is so worried about his dad and so I'm worried about Cheruby and his dad. Have I mentioned that I love my job - no questions asked, just told him the situation and my boss said no problem and asked if I needed more time. We had our Quarterly meeting today to hear about all the stuff going on outside our own departments and one of the first things that our VP said was that family comes first. I'll be joining Cheruby in La Ronge on Thursday. We hoping to be home before the Mage game on Saturday.

Just wanted to stop in to say hi.

Monday was great. Finally finished season 4 of Six Feet Under with Bne. Made some plans, convinced some friends to do things they should do, and said goodbye to Furlak and Bne's wonderful hospitality. I always feel so welcome and cared for there. They are very good friends that I'm lucky to have.

Then I headed over to my brother's place, stopping for pumpkin pie on the way. I got there and gave my nephew the Hot Wheels car I got for myself, but decided he'd play with it way more than I would. And my niece and I did some work on the paint by numbers tiger I got for her. We then had some very good slow cooked pork chops in mushroom sauce. Yep, that's right, I enjoyed the pork and mushrooms, but don't get any ideas about that - it was only because my niece made it for me. I only had a small piece.

After supper, a trip to the park was in order where we met a very friendly and cute pug dog. Her owner was a very sweet girl as well. Then we watched some TV and I turned my fabulous sister-in-law onto Heroes. I'll have to lend them the first season that I picked up before I headed out of the city on Tuesday.

In addition to Heroes, I also picked up some new shoes. YAY!! That meant that I left Calgary a little later than I intended, but I still got to hang out with my two favourite little people for a little while. It was a really great visit. My brother seems a little stressed about the job and the move.

I got home just in time to shower and head out to the Barking Fish for some drinks with friends from work including an old branch manager that we have missed dearly. Then Cheruby and I went straight off to D&D.

Yesterday included sleeping in, a massage, a hot bath while Cheruby read to me, a nap and then the Echoes of Erin concert. Cheruby went to Lydia's afterward, but I declined. Such a busy day deserves a nice quiet ending. [grin]

And today, I just look pretty. Oh, and we're going to the library later and then tonight's movie is Bringing Up Baby.

I've had a really great time on my vacation so far. Despite not being able to leave work really early on Friday, and then having to work when I got to Calgary, I made it before midnight which is all I need.

Today, I get to see my niece and nephew and family. It's going to be great because I got lots of sleep last night. I need lots of energy to have the maximum amount of fun with the kids. They're really great.

Yesterday, we had Thanksgiving dinner at my friends' mom's place. I haven't seen her in much too long. I spent a lot of time at her house when I lived in Calgary the last time so seeing her is always good for me. There was wine, appetizers, fantastic carrot soup, two turkeys (for 8 people), mashed potatoes, cauliflower, roasted potatoes and turnips, carrots, stuffing, and cake for dessert. It was amazing and we were all very, very full. Siochain's brother tried to object to a piece of cake, but he eventually ate it.

There was shopping, and I got some pretty clothes. I think I want the Christina Aguilera CD - Back to Basics. I'm shocked because I thought she ruined "Beautiful" with her vocal gymnastics. But I really like "Candyman" and "No Other Man" off this album. I like what I like. And Siochain made me listen to some opera which made me cry, in the good way.

Funny, I can't seem to recall much of what's happened since my last post. That's probably a good thing. OOooooo... except that some very good people from Edmonton came up to visit last weekend. And got to visit with j-bra more in that weekend than I had in a very long time. I think I'm going to go watch movies with him this week.

I've been hanging out with my boys, Furlak and Bne, and missing my sweetheart who didn't come with me this time. Of course, that's just my physical location.

Walking around the mall yesterday with Siochain was good for me. I wanted to buy shoes, but didn't feel very well. Not in my tummy, but in my head. Things just seemed wrong. I'd been trying to talk to her about some serious stuff, but I wasn't being much help because I didn't feel like I was truly there. She made me laugh and told me I was pretty.

In between looking at shoes I didn't feel like buying because no one was being nice to me (they weren't being not nice either) and being told I'm pretty, I realized that all of things with the house this year had taken their toll on my psyche. Not being outside in the summer to de-stress in the sunshine, not knowing when my neighbour might flip out at me next, having to spend gobs of money to fix everything, and above all, all the time and waiting it takes to fix all these things and it being out of my control. I had to ignore most of it after I'd done my part, but keep it relevant so that it still got done. It's almost all taken care of now except the parts where I get to be in control, so things are looking up dramatically.

All the stress with those things are low level, but didn't mix well with the work stress and all the energy I put into my daily life. So something had to give and it was my ability to truly let go and be happy and cheery and desire to be social. I hadn't laughed at Cheruby's jokes in a long time. I was still being nice most of the time, but that's not enough. I was almost completely focused on people other than myself. It's easy to do especially when my whole job is focusing on other people. The only time I was focused on me was when I felt I wasn't being nice and that's not good attention even though necessary.

A couple weeks ago I was actually laughing at Cheruby's jokes and it felt really, really good. Work got in the way again, but I'm on vacation now and am feeling better already.