Today, I revisited someone who wants to help me. And not just help me, but help Cheruby too. It was nice to hear some of the things that I have been asking for to be echoed by someone else. She also made me feel less guilty for what I see as my own faults and especially my temper. She wants to help me with that.

She told me that before I start anything, I need to HALT and examine my motives. I need to ask myself if I'm Hungry and if I am just eat something before continuing. I need to ask myself if I'm Angry and if so, just tell someone that I'm angry and not be ashamed of it and try to hide it. I need to ask myself if I'm Lonely and if I am, reach out to someone like Cheruby or just call my mom. And lastly, I need to ask myself if I'm Tired and if yes, I need to deal with that first either by having a nap or walking around the block a couple times or punch my punching bag. Seems so simple, but in the middle of my emotional vortex, it's hard to stop sometimes.

I admitted today that I'm a little scared of myself sometimes. That's why my punching bag isn't up. The flood of emotion that I get when I hit it is kind of explosive. And rightly so, I guess - I am punching something. But, that's something I need to do to, put up my punching bag and use it. I remember a day when I wasn't feeling sociable - the type of mood where nothing can go well and I was supposed to go gaming with friends. I knew the night would be horrible if I didn't deal with my mood first. I decided to punch it out a little. Within 15 minutes, I was done and out the door with a smile on my face. My neighbour in the apartment building was coming with me and was a little frightened as he'd heard the ruckus, but that quickly faded when he noted how good a mood I was in. The guilt about my temper has been making it worse because I have been trying not to let it out at all instead of dealing with it constructively before it becomes destructive.

When I started writing this post, I was Angry, but didn't know why. I feel better now, but I don't know why. Does it matter or should I try to figure it out so it can maybe help me next time. Or maybe it just matters that I can be honest with myself about how I feel.