There are very few people is no one that can do what she does for me.

It took me about five minutes to write that sentence. I don't know if I can describe my mom and what she means to me. I don't know if there are enough words to capture every nuance of why I love her so much.

Yesterday, the woman who wants to help me asked what I used to do to feel better before Cheruby was here. And one of the answers was, "Call my mom." And that made me a little sad. And then she asked me if I could still do that and of course I can. And then, in my head, all these crazy thoughts started whirling about. Like, "Why don't I call my mom? Oh yeah, because I want Cheruby to be able to be there for me instead. It's better. But why not still call my mom? It doesn't take anything away from Cheruby, really. And it does me a world of good. But what happens when she's not there anymore? ... " And then I started paying attention to the conversation in the room again because I didn't want to think about it anymore.

I'm very scared about that someday when she isn't there anymore. I don't know when that will be but I'm trying to grow up and not need my mommy anymore. I haven't been that successful. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I don't want to cut her out of my life. I want her to be a big part of it but it's going to hurt so bad when she goes.

And today, I was talking to my friend whose parents have been in and out of the hospital all year. I haven't seen her in a while because she's been taking care of her mom and dad while her mom recovers from heart surgery. She's having a really hard time watching her parents grow old. I don't think my parents are even close to that yet and I'm already really scared of it and pulling away. That's really not cool at all.

My mom phoned me today at work and apparently, they have a new puppy. For almost two weeks now, Zachary Amadeus has been in my parents life. I had no idea until today. Mom wouldn't even have mentioned it except in passing which is how I found out. And why the hell didn't I talk to her in so long? I know I was on vacation when she and dad got the puppy, but dang!

I realize it's not as serious as I think, but it sure is upsetting to realize that I'm scared of relying on her because she won't be here forever. And I know this is going to upset her quite a bit, but she knows I love her to bits. And she knows that there is nothing that would keep her from me or me from her if there was anything really important going on. All I need to do is ask. I really can't think of anything (non-evil) that she wouldn't do for me if I needed it.

And in all of that, I haven't described my mom in any concrete fashion. How do you describe light and goodness and love in physical form?